Tag: losing

• Rob me of being Me.

  Doesn’t it seem like people lose their senses when it comes to love and religion, that they leave their common sense and critical eyes behind, and blindly follow?

   

  How is it that matters of the heart and soul are often sold to snake oil salesmen speaking of a promise land, someday?

   

  The seemingly intelligent folks who fall victim to the fairy tale most religions spin is utterly amazing to me, that we will give up the very insides of us for their cause.

   

  We will give up the right to our bodies, our minds, our hearts and our souls…until all that is left is a shell.

   

  A useless shell, for there is no heart, no soul, and no mind.  We become members along their narrow pathway leading to the promise land.

   

  We sell all our todays, all our feelings within our hearts, all the stirrings of our souls, for Heaven after we die.

   

  What they fail to tell us is we are the walking dead.  That we of our own free will and ourselves is dead.

   

  We have no I.

  We have no me.

  We have no self that is free to live, as it wants.

   

  And grown women give up the rights of their bodies, minds and souls and call this a spiritual experience with God?  How???

   

  It sounds like a very dysfunctional love affair.  Where one has all the power and the other is stripped of all sense of self.

   

  That was my old relationship with God…it was self less.

  Without common sense or my eyes, my ears, my feelings, my intuition, my gut, my instincts, my heart and my soul, my passion, my gratitude.  I was absent; I disappeared in order to love that god.

   

  And that god as far as I can tell is the devil who wanted my soul…a destroyer god, one who stole my free will.

   

  In my experience the God that I now know, the one who orchestrates the stars, the moon, and is intimate with each blade of grass, wants for me more than I can dream myself.

   

  He isn’t here to rob me of being Me.

   

  August 15, 2011

  brainwashed, Dysfunctional, God, losing, loving, Religion, self

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• My next move.

  As I walked along these past six years, I only ever had two choices, not three, not four but two, and I could only carry forward one.

  Just one, not two, only one!

  Two would have grown me into a multi personality.

  There would have been two aspects of me, two types of me, two sides of me, a multiple me.

  Each side leading totally different lives sailing between and over boundaries like mixing colored water from glass to glass, until I would have been colored murky, muddy undetectable, where you would not know who is the real me.

  This murky colored water is where I believe I sorted myself out from, I had to re-visit each relationship and see who the real me was.

  To see where I moved from glass to glass not paying attention to how it colored me.

  In each glass I had to see what it required of me to swim there, what side of me shone in that space and what side of me lay in the dark?

  It was literally like running around holding up the old side and the reality side looking for a match, seeing what had integrity that could stand test of truth.

  Time and time again, I was surprised and horrified that most of my life was for the darker side, the side of me that came forth from abuse.

  There was very little in my world that was the real deal.

  Those things left standing are few but precious.

  And it is my belief I will grow from here, gain from here, thrive from here, for I was dying in the murky darkness, unable to know me, find me, see me, be me.

  This personal that lived in the murkiness shone in other’s lives and dimmed in my own.

  Now I am a like a dim light bulb, a faint teeny glow to them, but very colorful and bright inside.

  I see my daughter heading into the murky waters, trying to blend herself in both glasses, trying to appease the truth and the dark, the love and the fear, I see how I lost myself as I watch her go.

  What do I say? Do I tell her to stay out of our glass so she is not confused, so she is just one way to her self?

  What did I need to hear back then?

  What was the key that would have stopped me from losing myself in both worlds?

  Is there a shorter path than what I took?

  A less painful one?

  As she loses her self in like/love she doesn’t see the murky waters swallowing her like quick sand…

  But I do. I see her going in where I just left.

  What I find deeply disturbing about all of this, is that while my mother didn’t seem me slip into the quick sand I do, I see her going deeper and deeper. It seems unfair for me to watch this play out.

  To see the innocence blend with deceit, lies, until all that is left standing is this murky sense of self, this dim light.

  Why do I need to see this?

  What is my lesson yet again?

  To see the power and the lack of control, the submissiveness, the equal partnership between abuser and abusee?

  Is it more right to see two folks dancing in the quagmire?

  Will they save themselves while tossing more dirt upon each other?

  Who will save them from themselves?

  It seems in my murkiness, one day I saw the whole scene, the whole dreadful scene of filth and dirt, the lies and the deceit, is that what flips you out?

  Do you have to go in and swim, taste and feel the darkness; you can’t know it from the shore?

  It is like just curing yourself from cancer and turning around and seeing all you tossed off has landed on your child.

  I am just not sure what my next move is.

  “When in doubt, don’t.” Don’t move, don’t speak, don’t act. Just don’t.
  Again, great Universe this is up to you…let me know my next move.

  January 28, 2011

  blending, changes, denial, legacy, lies, life, losing, of dysfunction, pleasing others, power, quagmire, self, sorting, worth

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• I feel Solo

  As I look at my self in my life today, I am so much freer than I would have ever dreamed possible.

  While I live in the same house, married to the same man, and still have four children with me, I am no longer chained by their behavior…well okay, I still get stuck for a half hour or so, but I can usually set myself free.

  Dr. Berman spoke of the triangle affect, where relationships get stuck when couples move from one corner to the next exchanging roles and manipulating feelings.

  I lived on that triangle for years and years, and I was the master at being a hero and dabbled in the victim villain roles pretty often as well.

  On the triangle you are never in control of your feelings, somebody owns yours and you own anothers, we forever go around making other people feel and feeling how other people make us…never free to feel by yourself.

  If your not moving feelings around, there is the spot of hero, where you literally take over the responsibility of another’s life, where you come in and save the day, allowing them to miss a lesson to grow and learn by experience.

  This triangle is dysfunction and it leaves you separated from your feelings, where you are forever at the mercy of another.

  My past six years have been unlearning the triangle reflexes of blaming the other, and instead look inside to see where I gave up power.

  Looking for the power leak, where I lost control of my own power.

  Any time I say, “you disappoint me” or “ you make me feel sad” I am back on the triangle as a victim.

  Instead if I say, “I am sad or I am hurt” I am in control of my feelings and I get to explore why.

  What actions did I do to wind up feeling this way?

  What can I do now to make me feel better?

  It leaves the other person out of my feelings; it frees them up to be in charge of their own.

  The co-dependency triangle leaves you so tangled up and out of control, where you never can be assured that your peace, love and joy will stick around, that soon something or somebody will come along and steal it away.

  What I love love love, is that you are the only one who can give that away. It isn’t stolen, you literally hand it over in a victim like drama way with great words and feelings.

  When I learned that my love, my joy and my peace were mine and I had right and obligation to protect them, life was much easier, I walked away from the triangle.

  Standing authentic with your feelings isn’t always easy, but always empowering.

  I no longer disappoint my feelings or cover them up or speak down to them or pretend them to be different than what they are.

  I stand up with them no matter what.

  My feelings empower me.

  The Spirit of me is alive in feelings.

  I am as I feel or I feel as I am.

  I blame no one for how I feel.

  I feel solo.

  December 21, 2010

  blame, dance, dr. Berman, dysfunction, empowerment, feelings, joy, losing, lost, love, peace, power, relationships, shame, spirit, struggle, therapist, triangle

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• Perfections of Me.

  I think trying to define love is like trying to define our unique personalities; we all have a love definition, which we formed through our experiences in life.

   

  Love for me is on the inside and is more about me, where before it was an outside need and all about you.

   

  There has been a total switch in my definition of love.

   

  Before I felt love by what others brought me, I was empty of love unless and until another showed me some love. 

   

  I was empty and I would do almost anything to get some love.  I was a people pleaser to fill my container called love. 

   

  Now I feel love from the inside out.

  I am full of love inside.

   

  Love of me and all the different layers, stages and ages that make up me.

   

  I sit with great compassion and empathy of my journey to love me.

   

  It has taken many years to look at me, all the nooks and crannies, the dark side and the light, to see all the facets of myself and to become friendly with them or at least meet them with understanding, little by little trusting and loving me.

   

  I am sure there are still parts of myself I haven’t explored, even sections of my past that lay buried, yet with each new lesson returns another aspect of my self that was long ago sacrificed.

   

  Sacrificed for another’s love, another’s happiness, another’s dream.

   

  Each sacrifice took away a part of me.

  Until there was nothing left for me to love.

   

  I will no longer sacrifice my feelings for you, my happiness for yours, or my truths for yours.

   

  Love without sacrifice means loving myself enough to move away…

   

  To steer clear of things that hurt me then and now, to speak my truths, to be honest with my feelings, to protect my happiness and my dreams.

   

  Love is the freedom to be myself.

  Love loves my imperfections until they become my perfections of me.

   

  July 23, 2010

  feelings, imperfections, losing, love, others, pleasing, sacrifices, self, within

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