Slowly but surely my physical body has been pushed to the far reaches of my life, again. Well, I notice it when it creaks and aches and feels ouchy, when my neck and jaw are tense and in pain, when my middle is so expanded that I feel bundled up in a winter coat…and there is a faint feeble calling of the yoga mat.
I am not sure why I wait for physical discomfort, for loathing and self recriminations, but that seems to be the way. That when I am on a winning streak, like 340 plus days of yoga, I lose the 'desire' or whatever that is.
It seems like all kinds of things came rushing in or crowding over My Time…that while tended this or that, I forgot to leave time, space, energy, Or I forgot to say no more than yes and slowly 'other' things overwhelmed my space.
I have spent tons of hours on my inner awareness and self control, self freedom, etc. But I keep a healthy distance from the body's needs.
My mind and soul feel at peace in a very open liberal place….and yet my body still feels in prison at times.
Over-run by old habits.
Habits that seem not of mind or spirit, but just residual affects from my old life.
In fact my outside (body) where my spirit and mind live needs to catch up with the inner work.
Maybe it is time to put the same intensity and focus on flipping my body.
My body is the odd man out.
It is not free.
It is not at peace.
My body can't do a thing without me setting the intentions, putting IT on the list, at the top and finding ways to serve it and give it the same sacred intensity that I gave my inner landscape.
Time to clean up my outer body act…finding new alternate habits that will bring in energy instead of lowering it.
I un-naturally turn away from my body.
Somehow I can do this when forced, but it isn't natural for me to be kind and desire good things and wanting to serve my body energy lifters…but I am more natural at neglect.
It is like I am in control of neglect and out of control for goodness.
And my body still tries its best to deliver all that I ask of it, but with hurdles and speed bumps…. with me fighting it each step of the way.
I fight doing yoga and eating foods that deliver good energy and instead dump in sweets and foods that drain me.
Maybe it is time to switch the fight around.
To fight for energy and feeling good.
Tag: good
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Energy and Feeling Good
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Programmed self.
Sometimes I sit here aghast at the programming that runs within me and wondering how much of it is left running, when will I uproot the last thread.
It is hard to believe that each and every thing we do is for a reason, it has a belief attached to it, an ironclad will that has been laced through the middle…and we have to destroy it or it will destroy us.
It is like having an enemy’s mind living in our cells.
I have been putting off having a sweet treat for a few hours to regain control of my craving button. Usually, the button goes off and I run to find what it craves.
I am coming to learn that I will not die or go crazy without it, and that the whining subsides and the mind goes on to something else. It is talking back to the control or putting it on pause that I believe will eventually give me back my power.
This programmed system that has been running my life is more than the abuse and the church, for both also imprinted on me that bad was good and good was bad, that self loving was bad, and neglect was good, that feeling wretched was good and feeling good was bad.
Which is why it is so hard to get one clear precise belief on any one thing, for my major CPU reads bad good and good bad.
Even if my mind knows best, my operating system discerns the opposite.
Just as foreign as I seem to my family, which is what a veggie treat feels like to my body. Or my actions of yoga compared to actions of co-dependency my family of origin is used to. They want to feed upon me, not have me be my own self.
I am not certain I can articulate this correctly, but me doing good for me feels bad for them. And me doing good for me feels bad for my programmed old self.
What is good for my programmed self will destroy my real self.
What is bad for the programmed self is good for me.
I am getting the twist and seeing that it is normal to feel the angst and stress and force it takes to wrestle back our rightful feelings, to unhook and rehook them onto the right feelings.
I was programmed to feel bad when I should have felt good and visa versa.
Incredible that the feelings are in sync with messed up mind.
I knew it wasn’t just that there was a belief that was running along un-questioned, but that the feelings were messed up too.
My body was programmed feel the opposite.
Programmed feelings instead of having natural ones.
My programmed self loves sweet treats, I feel like I am getting something good, when I am really feeding myself something that has no value.
Imagine, my treats are getting something of no value.
Very interesting to watch what your programmed to like and do and to explore deeper and see what is going on behind the façade.
Within my childhood religion, the same dynamics were going on. The sins were for the programmed person, not the real self, in fact what is a sin for the programmed person most likely was good for me.
To take back ownership of my body.
To not bless away others actions.
To question all things and not just follow submissively.
To seek my own relationship with God.
Interesting to see what is programmed into you and then learn how to de-program it. Mostly by doing the opposite of your childhood…you will find your way out of the programmed self.
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Highest Good of All.
The Will
“The Spiritual Will is not like the ego’s understanding of will as ‘will power’, which means emotional force with clenched teeth of exertion and increased emotionality. The ego-driven will takes energy and is taxing. It could actually be understood as a form of aggression. In contrast, invoking the Spiritual Will is like opening floodgates and then standing back. The ego/will contextualizes events in terms of cause and effect in which the personal self-will claims credit or blame because it sees itself as a causal agent. In contrast, the Spiritual Will is not personal but is a quality of consciousness that changes context by surrender to an invitation to the power of the Self. The Spiritual Will calibrates at 850, and the personal will calibrates at only the person’s current level of consciousness.”“The Spiritual Will, invited by complete surrender is thus capable of performing the seeming ‘miraculous’, whereas the personal will, paradoxically, often automatically triggers resistances, as anyone knows who has tried personal ‘will power’ to overcome even minor habits.”
“Surrender of the personal will to the Will (Wisdom of God (or Providence, Higher Power) signifies relinquishment of control. One can expect the ego to resist doing so, and it invents excuses, counterarguments, and multiple fears in order to maintain illusory control. The ego’s positions are reinforced by pride as well as desire for specific results. Thus, to the ego, to step back and invite the intervention of Divinity seems like a loss whereas, to the Spirit, it is definitely a win.”
“Another limitation to the personal will is that it has no knowledge of karmic propensities or propitious timing, nor does it have the wisdom (omnipotence) to comprehend beneficial sequence. The Self orchestrates with an inner knowingness of capacity. For instance, to try to face a certain conflict prematurely may be unsuccessful, whereas, it would have been more successful after a few layers of the conflict had been resolved.”
David Hawkins – Discovery of the Presence of God
Playing God in someone else life is very tricky, especially if you don’t have all the plans and the karmic understanding and the souls purpose.
What I found, after I exhausted myself, is that there was no way my self was able to change people, convince them against their will. But the will I was trying to bend, was perhaps God’s Will.
I can’t know why they do what they do or go where they go, but it seems that they are preprogrammed, predestined to head in that direction and have an unshakeable resolve and focus on going there.
Just as within me something would not allow me to be with my old family, nor stay asleep in the old dysfunction, I was being led forward from the inside out.
A me inside woke up to a new direction, a new awareness, a new pathway, and I simply could not go against it.
This experience within me, reminds me when it seems like I am tangling with a bull, that their journey isn’t open to what I am saying.
It isn’t me, it truly isn’t time for them to know more, be different etc, in fact it is the right time for them to do exactly as they did.
I am also reminded that I needed folks to be the perfect examples of my old mindset in order for me to see the dark blindness I had been. They stood waving flags of dysfunction to show me that wasn’t the way.
So, if you know and believe and trust that within you is the blueprint and the plan, that your course is set and all you have to do is follow it by how you feel, you literally can’t do anything wrong.
My life unfolded according to plan, and there isn’t one thing that happened before its time, nor one thing that could be removed, it is all perfect.
The folks I met that seemed indifferent, should have been, that was the job they signed up to play in my life, they they did so perfectly.
I can take each person I met and see a reason and a lesson I learned from them, how they showed me how to be a more self aware me, how to bring all my love, peace and joy and feel it inside, be a complete package of one.
Perhaps what we call chaos and evil, are just people with roles to play in order for us to become aware of the Self inside of us, the one that dances to the cosmic plan of the Universe.
By seeing who they are and how they believe, how their minds work and how disconnected they seems from Spirit, allows me to find my way. I hold no grudges or resentments; I have faith in the Universal plan, that it is all choreographed for the highest good of all.
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Turning Bad to Good.
On the sliding scale of normal, I lived on the high end up near the top. I was pushed up there by fear and fear stood between the middle ground and me.
My hyper responses seem normal, unless you compare them to another’s; they seemed natural in their unnaturalness.
It literally feels like I am being put in harms way to forge into the middle responses, like they are too weak for my security.
My security calls for over the top measures, I do not trust middle ground.
Middle ground appears as doing nothing, is standing still, is allowing, is not knowing what your playing with, it seems pointless and weak.
And perhaps what I call middle ground is the bottom rung called nothing, the very opposite of where I lived.
It seemed my scales of normal had two responses, hyper screaming or nothing. Middle was nowhere to be found.
I had to crawl through fear and let go of where I was in order to be introduced to reasonable.
What is reasonable?
Balancing on the razor edge of reason feels like a weak position to my hyper vigilant self.
The space that is needed is what Stephen Covy writes about in his book, The 8th Habit. The space between a life incident and your response. He says that the space is almost non-existent for an abused person; we have no space before we react.
What he calls space I will call reason. We are left without reason.
We enter into a life changing moment without reason.
We can’t be reasonable, for we don’t have reason.
We can’t find a reason and we don’t’ look for it. We react without reasons.
This may sound very peculiar to some, but what I felt was that the situation is what drove me up the tree, like a fearful raccoon; little did I know I lived there and beckoned it to come to me.
I reacted from there. I brought in the high hyper energy, it wasn’t the scene that spewed it forth, it came from me, I elevated the situation as high above middle as I was.
Instead of meeting the situation, I brought it up the tree with me.
In order to find reason, I had to lower myself down.
What an odd view I had of myself lowering my energy, letting go of my fear, and climbing slowly down towards middle and not dropping all the way to nothing, but to sit in a place of reason. To meet the situation where it is.
Reason. I had to look up the meaning.
n. The basis or motive for an action, decision, or conviction.
It is interesting to see that Reason is the basis or motive for how we act or the decisions we make.
I had reason, I had many reasons and all my reasons were fearful reasons.
It was reasonable for me to be so high up the scale of normal.
I read that Fear is False Events Appearing Real.
If Fear believed in what isn’t real, you would think we would naturally turn to what is real.
But what if what is real is horrifying?
What if you have to give up father for a pedophile?
Then what?My lessons letting go of false events was to grab on to much more scarier things.
Yet I believe this is why most hang on to fantasy, to what isn’t, to build up a wall of fear, a wall of false events, false ideas, a fairyland between them and reality.
What is so sad, is that you think by not dealing you are keeping the boogie man at bay, and what you are actually doing is creating a cage for you all to be together.
It was like I lived in the highest tree in the cage, for fear of what lay at my feet.
It is incredible the wall of fear we build out of false ideals…and we don’t want to drop the pretty curtain to reveal who really lives with us.
And imagine, we think fear is about something scary, when fear most often is putting pretty masks on scary things.
Fear is make up, a pretend mask on a bad behavior or person. Fear is making up a fantasy.
Who knew that fear was creating things that were not real?
Fear is to a make up story.
What I had thought, was that fear was about something scary, I failed to understand the application of fear.
Fear is building a false event or story and the unease I believe is the body knowing the truth that lay beneath.
The body trembles in the false events appearing real.
What also occurred to me, we rarely make up scary stories about good things. We make up wonderful, kind and loving stories about scary things.
Interesting fear is turning bad to good.
A friend passed on a quote she found on an Art Quilt made by Tina Koyama, “Beyond the four walls of fear is all of life’s energy waiting for me.”
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You can feel its worth.
While tossing around in my head conversations about the differences between going into the Light and heading into the Darkness boggle my mind.
How it is that a person loses direction, how do their maps get turned upside down, how instead of growing brighter they can actually become very dark and NOT even know it or maybe more true, is not know how to stop it.
That their life blood is drained and they are actively involved in the letting go and letting it drip out, drip by drip, bit by bit.
Their vital life energy leaves and they don’t even know it.
The passions die, the love changes, inside of them has been an energy transplant and they are totally unaware.
This is very scary to me and yet very much understandable.
For if a perpetrator or abuser does his job well, you will not even feel your self leave, his sweet words and wonderful attention dances before your eyes, and like a magician, he switches your energy to his.
Once the switch has been made, you have to work like Hell to bring back your bright energy, your innocence, your passions, good energy, self worth, self esteem, love.
I see my daughter now as one who is lost in the sea of darkness inside of her, and she doesn’t even know who is the bad man who stole this, who came in and courted her while draining all that was good from her.
If after the first time you do not tell, you believe you are now his equal, and his lure and charm hard to resist, his needing you a drug that keeps you dumping more and more good into.
I am not certain, but feel that only abuse does this.
That you come in as Light and can have it stolen away…
The little boy with Oprah who was overly sensitive to the darkness, knew that Darkness FEEDS off of the Light.
This sounded weird to me, but it literally swallows whole, kindness, love, compassion, caring, it has a voracious appetite.
Darkness doesn’t see who you are, just your good energy that it needs to survive.
I had to stop feeding the monster, to stop giving up my life for its happiness, its peace and its joy.
The Light energies try feeding the monster to make it brighter, to make it happier; to make it more loving, and all it does is suck you dry.
That little boy also said that the dark energies can come to you as Father, brother, sister, friend, that it isn’t some monster.
Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor also suggests that we are responsible for the energies we bring into a room.
I believe that abused people abuse people, that hurt people hurt people.
What seems we need is to heal our own pain, to be the one, to be the caretaker of our own energies, to stop blaming others for how we feel, and to harness our own Light.
As well as being responsible for another’s happiness, peace, love or joy.
If we can separate ourselves and not be sucking the life blood from each other, and instead be Light keepers within ourselves, the world would be a much brighter place.
My daughter seems to have allowed another to extinguish her Light and what I want most is for her to be her own Light keeper.
To hold it dear.
Yet, maybe you have to lose something before you can feel its worth.
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Take Care Of You!
“If you had to take care of yourself, as you take care of others, what would you do for yourself?” This question was asked on Oprah’s Soul Series on Sirius Radio as she spoke with Geneen Roth.
The woman they were talking to had no idea what she could do to spoil herself, what would make her feel good, what one thing would make her happy, it had been so long since she took the time for self.
Time for self doesn’t have to be long or expensive, but it has to be something that excites your insides, makes your belly smile, bring a tickle to your being.
After 50 years of taking care of others, while my inner tank ran dry, I am learning that in order to give to others, I have to give to myself first.
Doing yoga each day is a way to serve my body and soul, reconnecting me to the Universe and to my breath. It feels so good to do this for myself, for no one benefits more than I in yoga.
Taking the time and spending more on whole foods, real food, and learning how to eat better, again…no one benefits more than I when I eat better.
The more conscious I am in how I treat myself, the more ways I find treat me!
What I love the most is that deep within me I feel deserving of serving myself, of treating myself, of loving myself of taking the time to love myself enough!
There was a small book, called “When I love myself enough”…and in it had ways in which you can do this.
I would love to hear how you love yourself enough?
What is so sad is that the many who don’t take the time, need it the most, it is a cycle that needs to be broken by you.
Do one thing each day to take care of you!
I M Perfect lady 