Tag: awareness

• My Art Shows my Inner Changes.

  I had put off pricing my quilts, for the task seemed overwhelming. Today I asked a special friend of mine to give me hand, to see if we could find a respectable price that our local market would hold, yet honor the energy and Art of each piece. 

  The pile of twenty was quickly moved into smaller categories of size and composition.  From that point, we appraised its energy, story and fabric content (hand-dyed vs store bought) and found a price. 

  Once the prices were in range, I then went to work on giving each a name and brief description.

  These quilts had been set aside as quilts I could sell, for they didn't seem to have what I called my story line or were part of my healing Art Therapy, or had a bit of me in them. Yet when I began to give them titles and sit and stare at each one, all are part of my journey and in fact they hold energies of joy, feelings of sorrow, weight of tangled confusion, brilliant wisdom, subtle nuances and wistful growth, sisterhood, sister friends, soul sisters, etc…all carry a part of my healing, the past and the future.

  I could also see how my lady started.

  She was small. 

  She lacked movement and energy.

  She was drowned out by the color and design upon which she stood.

  As the years went on, she grew animated with movement, even her sorrow was pronounced…and her self worth blatantly evident in her size.,

  What I didn't expect from this collection of quilts is to see so much of me…and to feel the small almost unrecognizable me and the how the background energy moved into the Lady.

  Below are some from what I call my personal story line, that will show you how I saw myself back in 2005.

  
  She is one of the first ladies to emerge…Her size in comparison to the background really hit me.  How small I saw myself…insignificant almost. 

  
  Actually this one came before the previous one, for she doesn't even have hair… The writing in the quilting says, "Freedom to be free".  At the time it was a dream, a thought…a someday desire.  An unknown feeling. And the freedom seemed to be around me and I was trying to catch it.

  
  What struck me about these dancing ladies is the empty head…first I thought how sad, and then I thought, how delightful, to be empty of beliefs and thoughts, to be wide open. A clean slate…a new me. (this one was one of the first lady quilts to sell)

  In looking below at one of the latest quilts, one I pulled out of the pile going to Marquette, (I wasn't ready to let her go and she seems to be truly apart of my storyline) you can see how the lady and the background are equally as bright and infused with energy.  A balance…I am no longer smaller than my surroundings.

  
  

  So, no matter which quilt I have done, there you will find me…a snippet of my journey, a bit of inner wisdom and knowing…without words, you see me in the shape, color and design.  Wow, Art really is revealing.

  
  The description I wrote for this quilt, titled, "Comfortable Wisdom"…is, 

    "She rests easy in knowing who she is, where she has been…no regrets.  She  fully accepts the past and is at peace with the present…a lover of reality."  

  You simply can't hide in Art…it sneaks into every aspect of what you create.  

  As odd as it sounds, the more time I spend with my art, the more I understand it and the more in awe I become.  While playing with the fabrics and designs I am blind to the subtle blaring messages that are screaming at me in silence.  Just amazing to not see yourself…it is a slow progression.  I changed as my art changed…or my art shows my inner changes.

  
  

  May 5, 2012

  abuse, Art & Quilts, awareness, creating, healing, journey, ladies, self, sexual, wisdom

  ---

• Seek to Become more Aware.

  Jason Torola put it so clearly, "

  Beth, You'll get the last word. You always do. But know this; I've seen what you wrote. I've seen what you tried to do.

  A wise man told me, "You can fool the fans, but you can't fool the players." Beth, we are all players here.

  I don't have to get the last word, but people usually stop talking and I can't make them talk, so is it really my problem that I get left in silence?  

  His reference to what I wrote isn't something I feel would be beneficial to post on my blog…it isn't my journey…I myself have no problems with airing it…but it isn't mine to air.

  And he is very correct in stating "We are all Players here."

  Yes we are. And how you play the game will define your integrity and your authenticity.  And I love that there are no fans to fool.  For you truly are not fooling anyone…you only look foolish.

  I know what my intentions are and how I personally play the game and furthermore, who I like to play with.

  I am not interested in the struggle of convincing someone to do or say or be a certain way.  I used to.  I mothered that way.  I gave it up five years ago…and in its place granted freedom to all who have a relationship with me.

  You Jason get to be Jason…please do and say and be exactly as you feel.  I truly would not want you any other way. The same goes for the rest of your family and each person and family in the church and out.  

  I have no desire to change a hair on your head.  However, IF it is YOUR desire to change and want a cheerleader, I will cheer you on as you play this new game.

  But, if you want to continue in the old system of seeking power and control…we part ways.  I don't play there anymore.  And I will not tell you you can't play there.  Play away.  Demand, rage and work to bend and control OR give up your power and people please and play that way…either way it is a game I no longer play.

  It is my goal, my intention to completely take myself out of that old game. Certainly there will be times when I slip and fall and veer off course and find the old me wanting to control, or feeling above others by making them feel less…but it doesn't feel good inside of me no more.  I have lost the taste for that old game.

  It has taken a great deal of work to get out of that game and its cost to my life were way too much…If and when I find myself playing that old game, I quickly work to exit out.

  Jason I was a very forceful player in the old system….and I can certainly see how you can see me that way.  But in the past 7 years I have been feverishly working to remove all desire to play that way.

  I am making choices that are the opposite of how I used to live life. I was completely exhausted and totally without a clue as to how to change and control so much dysfunction….I walked out.

  I gave up control and found freedom.

  I concentrated on my self.

  I began to save only me.

  To control only me.

  To play only for me.

  And it worked like magic…I became a player that no longer needs to find its power by controlling other people.  My power is gotten by being free.

  I truly, truly wish for you and all…the experience of being free.  It was not then or is now my intention to break up families. It would be my greatest joy to see one family make it through this journey intact.

  It wasn't to be that way for me.  It is not now or ever a walk I want for one other soul…but It isn't up to me.  Remember Jason, we are all players…and what we put out comes back into our lives.

  Play well…there is no fooling the fans.  We are aware of the truth, whether we show it or not…it is there.  Each of us will have the choice to follow our awareness or to sit this round out….but awareness is yours to pick up…or yours to ignore.  

  Awareness is the Gift I have discovered…placed there for when you get tired of being in the old game.  It is automatic, you don't have to be cute enough, good enough or wise enough….it is just there.

  It is there waiting for you to glance its way…to begin to see life in a whole new way.  You lose the fight and seek to become more aware.

   

  This is a quilt I titled, "Awareness"  my daughter owns it.  Photograph by Hannah Jukuri

  February 17, 2012

  awareness, choices, controlling, FALC, freedom, life, old, powerless, system

  ---

• Not Hide

  Mark Nepo writes, "How are you tending to the emerging story of your life?"

  "Like many of us, I seem to be continually challenged not to hide who I am.  Over and over, I keep finding myself in situations that require me to be all of who I am in order to make my way through."

  "Whether breaking a pattern of imbalance with a lifelong friend, or admitting my impatience to listen to my lover, or owning my envy of a colleague, or even confronting the self-centeredness of strangers stealing parking places, I find I must be present – even if I say nothing. I find I must not suppress my full nature, or my life doesn't emerge."

  "Aside from the feeling of integrity or satisfaction that comes over me when I can fully be myself, I am finding that being who I am – not hiding hiding any of myself – is a necessary threshold that I must meet or my life will not evolve.  It is a doorway I must make my way to or nothing happens.  My life just stalls."

  "Tending our stories means that our lies must open if we are to live in the mystery; our ways of hiding no matter how subtle must relax open if we are to be."  Mark

  How appropriate this is, for just yesterday, I was once again asked to not hide myself…to speak up and for my own integrity.

  As a Mail Lady, I have a backup to do my route every other Saturday or when I am sick or on vacation.  He is waiting in the wings to be needed…to be my relief.  Yet time and time again, when I called him, he was unable to, and finally told me that he would only relieve me on Fridays and Saturdays.  Then even Fridays he was unable to. And then it trickled down to him not even returning my calls for relief.  Our communication ceased to exist, my smallest faith in him completely dried up.  I can't rely on someone who is unavailable to even be asked to be available.

  In the past, the backups and regular route drivers communicated without our boss running interference, we had an open and clear communication system of courtesy, of notifying the other of potential days that we would be unavailable…like good parents tending to the route to ensure that it was always taken care of.

  This relatively newcomer to our office has thrown a monkey wrench into how we do things, and oddly enough, it seems he has the most power. 

  The proper protocol is for my boss to find the backup, but we as drivers felt it easier to not have a middleman, but talk directly and share our upcoming events and work around each other to ensure that all of us get to take the days off we truly need.  The higher need, say a wedding would trump a day off to just be off.  Reasons carried a weight, and we were considerate of this.

  Once he stopped returning phone calls, I handed him over to my boss.  It is up to her to reach him, ask my request and then relay it back to me.  

  Yesterday, she tells me he is unavailable to work until March 1. That he has a medical reason.  Which most likely is true, but his past has proceeded him, and it just seems that he is taking me for a longer ride.  The weight of the imbalance is completely on my end.

  My nature is not to take imbalance in silence, I can't let this slip by docile and compliant, for I would not be tending to who I am. 

  As my boss stood up for him, I stood taller for me. I stood for myself and the other two who are faithful and considerate, and who now have to conform to his negligence.  

  My boss astutely felt that I perhaps had more of an issue with her management than his lack of work ethic…and I told her, "I guess I do."

  I felt that as she defended him, she left her three good employees un managed.  She relied on the good to continue to be good…to good naturally take his lack of work ethic one more time.

  What I found so odd, is that instead of coming down on him, she comes down on me.  She expects the good to carry more. And to do so without giving her any lip. Certainly, now with a medical excuse, her hands are tied, but when she stood across the line with him, it left me to stand against authority…I stood up stating my unhappiness.

  It seems like tending to me is to stand up, that I am moved to defend my integrity and faithfulness.  That her asking me to give up my days for his reasons once again is asking too much.

  She repeated many times, "I am sorry."  Until I told her that word from her sounds like a swear.  I can't feel your sorry.  I feel you supporting a man who is disloyal to us all.  Your sorry can't change the fact that I now have to work the next 5 Saturdays in a row.  And it isn't so much Saturday, but the five previous days…with one day off in between.  

  Her answer was to look into getting a backup to the backup.  My answer is to get rid of the no backup backup.  

  Her answer too was that I can find work elsewhere if unhappy.

  She doesn't see that by catering to him, she is neglecting the ones who are doing that which they are hired to do. 

  She tends to those who are neglecting their work.

  This brought me back to the imbalances in our childhood home, and how my mother relied on the good to carry the 'bad'.  That the good have to carry more and more…to keep the balance.

  The failure to carry more is seen to be more of a crime, than the crime itself.

  My mother too was unable to get rid of dead weight, so instead she piled more upon those already carrying.  Never focusing on who we carried.

  My boss is so similar to my mother…and our office much like a dysfunctional home, where the one doing the least or creating the most damage is protected.  And if you don't like it, "Leave."

  The only option I have is to work within her system or quit.

  I see the lay of the land, where her focus lies…and I what I will have to do for myself.  How to become self sufficient as possible and how not to rely on her or get my heart set on having days off.  Things I have to do if I want to work there.

  Just as a child learns what they have to endure to be part of a dysfunctional family.

  I can see clearly now my role as a child; to carry the dead weight.  It was expected of me. 

  The greatest difference in my job is I do get paid for carrying his weight, for working his days.  I am compensated for it…

  It is my intention to use the compensation well. Extra money to do fun things, and floating holidays in which I can play.

  My life isn't at a stall, I am making my way through, I am speaking up and evolving and learning how to use these exchanges for my benefit…to see the present and not hide!

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

  February 10, 2012

  awareness, hide, Mark, Nepo, not, out, present, self, speaking

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• A darkened well.

  One of the gifts of disassociation in the moment of trauma is that you are kept unaware.  And being unaware, you don't know.  It puts the event in very very very slow motion. Where the body takes the physical injury, but the mind doesn't record it for 40 years, in my case.

  The total event doesn't happen until the mind and body are in perfect harmony with the truth.

  So, it was like I was being raped again, when the mind became aware of it…I was a 46 year-old feeling the trauma of a seven year old being abused.

  I was reverted back to being a very little girl, but had the words to articulate and to put up boundaries.  A very unique position to be in, a 46 year-old child being abused.

  It was as if I was able to witness how a child goes through the motions of abuse and the reactions within the circle of her life.

  I was able to see first hand the reaction of family and friends in how they treat and engage with the victim…and see how it is set up to embrace a wounded child.

  Mostly, I am still waiting for the support team to arrive.

  It is deeply appalling to me and vastly disturbing to know how little there is for an abused child to hold on to.

  Who is there who will listen and to see the child?

  Many will say they are open to hear anything the child has to say….but try speaking against a family and church and see how far you get…see how open that thick wall of resistance is.

  I guess I have been trying to get them to hear a child, to see how hard it is to change their preconceived ideas, and thus far it has failed.

  Mostly this blog has been to use my voice and words to articulate how it is being an abused child within a family that is wrapped in the beliefs of the FALC and dysfunction.

  And mostly, it is like talking to a wall.  This is what a child feels.

  There is no one hearing their cries.

  Just about every spirited comment has been in the defense of the church or family.

  Where is the outrage and injustice towards the abused children, the fear of there being pedophiles still running free inside of the church? 

  Who is out there taking up the cries of the child and doing something?

  I see the abused children sitting in a cold dark well of silence, while above is the singing of voices praising the ones who hurt them.

  Above the well of silence echo words to ward off the truth the children are saying.  They are singing so loudly our cries can't be heard.

  I would not have guessed in a million years the reactions I would be getting.  The level or thickness of the wall of resistance is pretty much impenetrable.  There is simply not a crack a child can wiggle into to be seen.

  There isn't any word you can say that will penetrate the closed mind.

  Walking the walk of an abused child, but in an adult body with a mind that is much more at an advantage than that of a child, has shown me clearly what a dark pathway it is for a child.

  I had thought, that perhaps fancy words, articulation, siting books and authors I would glean some attention, that I could send in an arrow that would peirce the dark, but it hasn't been so.

  Writing and talking for seven years…and the sing song voices continue to sing…and the cries continue to cry.

  The detective asked me, "What would it have taken for you to wake up, prior to the truth that your father was a pedophile?"  And I had no answer. 

  I don't know what would have woke me up any earlier than I did.

  What one thing that will split the darkness wide open.

  That is the answer I am seeking.  

  That is the ball I want to lob at the wall of denial.

  It is the magic word that needs to be spoken from deep within the well.  

  Only a day or two after hearing that my father was a pedophile, I recounted the feelings of being in a well.  And I actually felt like I had crawled to the surface and was left standing out there, muddy and dirty, but free. 

  Perhaps the freedom the children in the well need is to believe their own truth. The truth shall set you free.   The voices above are there to keep you from hooking onto them, and are challenging you to rise on your own…by following your truth, always.

  The only one who truly needs to believe you is you.

  When you are separated from your truth, you live deep within a darkened well.

  
  Photograph by Hannah Jukuri 

   

  February 5, 2012

  awareness, deep, FALC, of resistance, self, truth, wall, well

  ---

• Peace Is.

  What I read about the lower levels, (below 200 in consciousness) caught my attention. 

  "A prime difficulty with thoughts and behaviors associated with the energy fields below 200 is that they cause counterreactions. A familiar law of the observable universe is that force results in equal and opposite counterforce; all attacks, therefore, whether mental or physical result in countreattacks. Malice literally makes you sick; we're always the victims of our own vindictiveness.  Even secret hostile thoughts result in a physiological attack on one's own body." David Hawkins, Power vs Force

   

  As you are caught up in blaming and pointing fingers and attacking others, you are actually loading the gun to come back at you.  

  If it hadn't been for Byron Katie and her brilliant turn around, where I could see that who I was really hollering at was me, I would have kept loading the guns and attacking others.  Instead I got very busy unloading my anger guns.

  I have been very busy learning about the human mind, the psyche, and now the levels of awareness and energy that all contribute to the way a human being is…to say nothing of the treatment and beliefs they were taught as a child.  Incredible that we even have any coherent beings walking this planet.

  And it is my belief, the more we learn about what doesn't work, the more we can learn about what does.  And our exquisite bodies are the key to unlocking all the mysteries.  As Deepak Chopra has stated, "the mind is manifested in the body," and an angry mind creates disease. 

  I have found my ease and peace by learning about how truth or untruth affects my body and how I live my life.  

  I have learned by reading and doing, that what I put out indeed comes right back.  There is no one out there to blame for my life but me.  

  David writes about peace.

  "Peace can't be created this way; peace is the natural state of affairs when what's preventing it is removed.  Relatively few people are genuinely committed to peace as a realistic goal, for in their private lives, most people prefer being "right" at whatever cost to their relationships or themselves.  A self justified positionality is the real enemy of peace.  When solutions are sought on the level of coercion, no peaceful resolutions are possible."

  What I love is that peace is the natural state of affairs, when you remove what is preventing peace…peace is.

  I had no idea that I had such huge mountains of stuff preventing me peace!  When you can get to the place of loving what is, peace is.

   

  January 5, 2012

  awareness, byron, choices, david, force, Hawkins, is, katie, life, loving, power, vs, what

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• Inner Level of Truth

  While I thought that we all see life from different angles, I had thought it was from the level of our experience, but it may be more from the level of our awareness. 

  David Hawkins writes a neat example of how we see the world.  

  "Imagine a "bum" on a street corner: In an upscale neighborhood stands an old man in tattered clothes, alone and leaning against the corner of an elegant brownstone. Look at him from the perspective of various levels of consciousness, and note the inconsistency in how he appears to different people and viewpoints.

  "From the bottom of the scale, at a level of 20, (Shame), the bum is seen to be dirty, disgusting, and disgraceful.  

  From the level 30 (Guilt) he'd be blamed for his condition: He deserves what he gets; he's probably a lazy welfare cheat.

  At the level 50 (Hopelessness), his plight would appear desperate, a damning piece of evidence to prove that society can't do anything about homelessness.

  At the level 75 (Grief), the old man looks tragic, friendless, and forlorn.

  At a Conscious level of 100 (Fear), we might see the bum as threatening, a social menace; perhaps we should call the police before he commits some crime.

  At 125 (Desire), he represents a frustrating problem – why doesn't somebody do something.

  At 150 (Anger), the old man might look like he could be violent; or, on the other hand, one could be furious that such horrible conditions exist in our country today.

  At 175 (Pride) he could be seen as an embarrassment or as lacking the self-respect to better  himself.

  At 200 (Courage), we might be motivated to wonder if there is a local homeless shelter – all he needs is a job and a place to live.

  At 250 (Neutrality), the bum looks okay, maybe even interesting.  "Live and let Live," we might say – after all, he's not hurting anyone.

  At 310 (Willingness), we might decide to go down and see what we can do to cheer up that fellow on the corner; maybe we'd be motivated to volunteer some time at the local shelter.

  At 350 (Acceptance), the man on the corner appears intriguing; He probably has an interesting story to tell; he's where he is for reasons we may never understand. 

  At 400 (Reason), he's a symptom of the current economic and social malaise, or perhaps a good subject for in-depth psychological study.

  At the higher levels, the old man begins to look not only interesting, but friendly – and then lovable. Perhaps we'd then be able to see that he was, in fact, one who had transcended social limits and gone free a joyful old guy with the wisdom of age in his face and the serenity that comes from indifference to material things.

  At 600 (Peace) he's revealed as our own self in a temporary expression.

  When approached, the bum's response to these different levels of consciousness would vary with them.  With some, he'd feel secure – with others, frightened or dejected.  Some would make him angry, others would delight him; some he'd avoid, others he'd greet with pleasure.   (And so it's said that we meet what we mirror.)

  So much for the manner in which our level of consciousness – that is, the world we encounter as passive observers – decides what we see. It's true that we'll react to things in a fashion predicated by the level that we perceive them from, that is to say, external events may define conditions, but they don't determine the conscious level of human response.  " David Hawkins

  What I failed to take into consideration, along with the truth, is that we all see what we see depending upon our level of awareness.  It isn't so much that the truth has different shades, but that we do.

  We have darker shades of viewing life and you see how you feel or by your level of being.

  I have learned that who I am to others, way depends on how they see themselves…and really their total understanding not only of self, but life and the Universe too.

  I have felt many differing viewpoints of me…and how I was so wrongly perceived. 

  Just as this bum, I am a lady and they bring their own definition of me to me, and it is colored by their own self awareness.  The lower the level, the worse of a person I become.

  This has freed me to be me…and to make choices based on what I felt was the best for my soul.

  What is also interesting, or at least it bears noting.  It seems that the choices that are good for the soul, are not so good for the pride/ego person.  

  My old choices that helped me thrive in the lower levels are now extremely unappetizing to me now.  It is like you lose the taste for old habits…the magnetism loses its attraction to you

  What is also very cool, is that no one but you can change the level of your consciousness, its energy field is derived by your thought patterns and beliefs.  What you believe…is your level of consciousness.  

  David Hawkins writes about making a leap in awareness.

  "On our scale of consciousness, there are two critical points that allow for major advancement.  The first is at 200, the initial level of empowerment; Here, the willingness to stop blaming and accept responsibility for one's own actions, feelings, and beliefs arises – as long as cause and responsibility are projected outside of oneself, one will remain in the powerless mode of victimhood. The second is at the 500 level, which is reached by accepting love and nonjudgmental forgiveness as a lifestyle, excercising unconditional kindnes to all persons, things and events without exception.  (In 12-step recovery groups, it's said that there are no justified resentments -even if somebody "did you wrong." you're still free to choose your response and let resentment go.)  Once one makes this commitment, he begins to experience a different, more benign world as his perceptions evolve."  David

  Beauty indeed is in the eye of the beholder…You simply can't see that which you are not aware of within you…the less of your self you know and undertand, the less of me you understand and know.

  The more I have learned about me, the broader I view the world…the world is seen from our inner level of truth.

  January 4, 2012

  awareness, david, force, Hawkins, inside, judging, levels, living, opinions, others, out, power, self, understanding, vs

  ---

• Without your truths.

  I sat with my old self yesterday and caught a glimpse of how I used to be, how if it weren’t for the truth exploding into our family, where I too would be caught.

   

  I saw her living in two worlds, locking up her truth before entering each side, so a part of her was always in the closet.

   

  And to me the part that gets locked away is the truth, for there will be a price to pay to let it out.  And the price is very large…huge in some cases, your whole family is on the line, if the truth slips out of the closet.

   

  She continues to walk into a church she no longer believes in, to keep her family believing she is there. And her family needs her to arrive so they too can pretend she is still the same girl.

   

  She knows if she doesn’t arrive, if she speaks her truth, her whole world will change.

   

  As I left her yesterday, a song was playing on the radio, and the words filled my jeep, “I am not ready to say good-bye…”

   

  In life we are often asked to pick between staying and not being truthful or leaving with the truth and all it curtails.

   

  When you are raised and believe in a religion that is based on pretending and false facts, and your whole world is comprised of this, you will lose your whole world.

   

  While greeting the truth, you have to say good-bye to your pretend family.  I say pretend, for you will know them by how they respond to your truth, until then, it is all pretend.

   

  In my family of origin, it was built primarily on false facts, the façade and truth hid in the closet.  All then acted, pretending there was no such storage for all the sins she blessed away.

   

  It wasn’t until one sin fell out that the rest came tumbling after and I was overrun with truth.

   

  I am not certain how the rest could just push it all back in and go on pretending, but they did and have.  Their capacity for hiding is much larger than mine. 

   

  While it may seem that they have once again locked the door, I believe that we all get to face our truths some day.

   

  I can’ t know when, nor can I force you to open your door and let them out, to live with them in harmony.

   

  Our truths don’t disappear, just because we fail to look upon them, instead what happens is you live a life without them, a pretend life.

   

  You get to have a pretend father and mother.

  You can have pretend sisters and brothers.

  You then get pretend security of being surrounded by folks who care.

   

  As I found out, if you open your closet of truth, your pretend family disappears.

   

  Most are not willing to say good-bye to pretend…while I thought they did not want to face the truth.  It isn’t the truth they fear, but the façade of pretend. They truly don’t want to know it is made of up fakeness.

   

  It is better to live in the comfort of fakeness than to live alone with your truth.

  Yet who are you without your truths?

   

  “Every exit is an entrance somewhere else. “

  ~Tom Stoppard

  August 21, 2011

  am, awareness, facades, hiding, I, life, pretending, self, truths, who

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• 100 Proof.

  When I hear people so vehemently defending their religion, it almost seems like they are taking it personally, perhaps too personal, like there isn’t a self left standing, that the self and the religion are one.

   

  In my experience within the FALC, that the stamp of the church infected each one of my roles.

   

  In fact as a child, you were first taught what a sin was.  That you could or could not do this, not by what was kind or good for humanity, but rather what is good for being a First Apostolic. 

   

  So, instilled within us was the foundation of the FALC, before we even knew who we were, we identified ourselves as First Apostolic, and it ruled our lives from the time we were very little.

   

  Not only that, but the adults in our lives, the ones we depended upon for food and shelter, also lived by this formation. The FALC controlled them, not reasonable thought or what was good for their own family, but what was seen as good within the church.

   

  If you look at how we were indoctrinated from the time we were just babies, it is easy to see how any comment that is shining a light or seemingly smearing the church, it is actually feeling personal, for there is very little about the self that isn’t created by the FALC.

   

  And while deeply invested and entwined within the confines of the religion, there is very little self exposed, so any comment will feel like a direct hit.

   

  Otherwise, if this weren’t so, the reactions would not be so rabid…there could be two people having a discussion.

   

  Yet as far as my experience goes, having a dialogue with someone who is 100 proof of religion or abuse, all you talk to is the religion or the abuse.

   

  You can’t get to the individual or self, for each role and thing they do is seen first through the lens of abuse or religion.

   

  There is no separation…or awareness, it is one solid piece and no matter what words you use or what tone of voice or what research you have found, what the truth literally is, IF it something being said about the 100% make up of who they are, they will react and not respond.

   

  Their reactions will be from fear and understandably so.

   

  I have very little recollection of my years in the FALC, for I was missing.  There was no self there.  I moved through life following the group more or less or feeling shame and guilt if I didn’t.

   

  Mostly I would say shame and guilt for not being a good member.

   

  I didn’t marry within the religion, and I feel that was the first weakening of the hold the religion had on me.  And they do preach that the devil is out there waiting to pull you out.  And it does, but I don’t see it as a devil.

   

  I seen myself from the view of the church or the view of how my family saw me…or the view of how my husband saw me, or the view of how my friends saw me. But never a view of how I saw my self.

   

  If you took all the views away…or without them giving me value, I disappeared.

   

  And in fact, when my family’s abuse came into view, I lost a huge part of my self, for I lived for them.  Then when I discovered that the church knew of my abusive father and that he was blessed repeatedly, even for the latest little girl BY her father, I lost another huge chunk of who I was.

   

  In a few short days, I stood alone.

   

  It was then that I knew I had no me.

  All I had was a person who had been built up by what was needed by the religion and family too. But I had built very little of me and I was 46 years old.

   

  Oh, I suppose I had 25% me.  My art…well maybe not that high, I guess it was more like 5%. 

   

  That 5% was pure me.  And it was from that small beginning I began adding more and more of me into me…and each time I discover another vein of religious or abusive beliefs or thoughts…I know it is another percentage of me coming forth to be brought upright.

   

  So, as I read the comments of those who feel so viscerally attacked, I understand.  For there is very little of you that isn’t made up of FALC ingredients, you may be 100 proof.   

  August 19, 2011

  awareness, changes, esteem, FALC, life, Religion, self, value

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• From the Cocoon!

  The Artist’s Way, while it is inspiring for Art, it is also bringing forth an artful self.  It is finding the dark spots where we lost the art of living, the art of being, the art of individuality, where we conformed into roles that are in direct competition to being a creation from self.

   

  A self that lives behind the roles.

   

  A self we set aside years ago for a variety of reasons.

   

  This is the self we will find if we continue on The Artist’s Way…the path leads to self.

   

  I have been disrobing from roles that made up most of who I was, and underneath was a girl who I didn’t know.  It is this girl who has been struggling to come alive, against the adverse conditioned mind.

   

  This conditioned mind puts fear, guilt and shame along my pathway, sprinkled with false claims of a gloomy future, IF I dare make a new choice, explore and discover a new way of living.

   

  I have been jousting with this mind for 6 ½ years now, seeing which one of us will win at each turn.  Even having the fight is a great improvement to the capitulations of the past, where I didn’t even to fight.

   

  Now I have two separated ideals/beliefs/thoughts and desires vying for the chance to live as me.

   

  I feel a huge percentage of me is now onboard with the self and just fragments and pieces of me are still tangled up with the mental mind. 

   

  The Artist’s Way is working to unhinge those parts as well as strengthen and ignite the ones already free!

   

  I feel a huge part of me is flowing with the energy from the field of Art and pure potential, unlocked from the constraints of the mind.

   

  Like a butterfly almost cleared from the cocoon!

  July 26, 2011

  art, artist, artist’s way, awareness, Cameron, Julia, mind, pathway, quilts, self, The

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• I faded

  It is so easy to fall out of sight of your self, to disappear and only catch fleeting glimpses through out the day.  It is amazingly easy to not see and pay attention to your inner world and to be present and aware to all things.

   

  When I did yoga each morning I was with myself for an hour and a half.  I was with each breath and focused on my body, and when I stopped doing yoga, I spend very little time paying attention to me.

   

  I miss being with me in such a concentrated healthy way, watching my body become stronger and more flexible, being with the emotions that seemed to flow from my muscles, to gaining balance inside and out.

   

  It has been good as well to see how I seem to disappear from my self while being here, how I can lose sight of my wellness and get lazy…fall back into a sea of apathy.

   

  It’s easier to do nothing…

   

  It takes time, effort and its much more difficult to be on task of being the caretaker of you.

   

  You have to carve up your time each day making sure you take a good chunk for yourself.

   

  I used to do this right away each morning, starting out my day with me in focus, and that set the tone for the rest of the day.

   

  I would then have my best interest front and center.

   

  I am toying with the idea of getting back into the demanding routine of daily yoga.  Perhaps taking one day off each week.

   

  By doing this all things in my life go better; I move better, feel better, sleep better, am much more alert, aware and see clearer…and I am lonesome for that self.

   

  I allowed my self to start fading away, to drift along in the sea of life without really paying attention to where I am going.

   

  Yoga brings me back to me and I feel a greater connection to the Universe…

   

  The wise people are right, you do get what you focus on.

   

  I was not focusing on me and I faded.

   

  July 8, 2011

  attention, awareness, connection, self, Universe, Yoga

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