Tag: peace

• Someone is your Jailer.

  I watched myself in a conversation yesterday, where a person was explaining to me why she was going to fight a choice that another person had chosen. How she didn't want what was…and was seeking to prevent it.

  As we exchanged sentences it was clear to me, that she was trying to force things for her benefit…and that she was willing to bend and twist things to make it 'work'.  In a few minutes, she decided she wasn't going to talk any more about it, it was too upsetting.

  I then returned to silence.  In that silence, it came to me, you can use force to get your way, but that only one side of the relationship will be 'happy' and the other will feel your force.

  I could see how force seemed to be more palatable than acquiescing.  

  If the force girl wins and prevents the choice of the other to flow, what is gained?  Is that truly winning and controlling?  

  I saw how force can override the truth, but with a great cost.  The cost is peace and freedom.

  I could see the toll force was having on her, how she was working feverishly to control the flow of another's choice, and that alone stole her peace.  She used fear as her motivation and tried to convince me, it was for the best.

  It wasn't even for her best…controlling another puts you in charge of another's life.

  As I continued on in silence and eventually moved out of her space, I saw how important it is to allow others to make their own choices; to not impede the flow of free will.

  Is it a gain to acquire someones presence in your world, by forcing them to be there, by manipulating and cajoling to work to block their exit?

  To me, both will be lossers in this…the jailer and the jailed.  

  Imagine how much more powerful it would be to fully support the other's choice, no matter of the cost to your self, to allow them the luxury of movement and self growth?

  If you don't have a choice, someone is your jailer.

   

   

  March 27, 2012

  choices, force, free, peace, power, verses, will

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• A Different Intention

  When you look at life from the soul's perspective and from its Karmic path, you will see the perfection in all things.  Each action will get an opposite and equal reaction, have no fear.

  As the Justice System appears to fail, the Universal system is running perfectly behind it.  Even if you are unaware and not interested in the talk of karma and the dynamics of physics, it still operates without a hitch.  I love that it doesn't need your understanding in order to flow.

  In religion there seems to be the assumption, that we have to know and practice in order to be in a relationship with God, when in fact it is impossible not to be.

  Your life, your choices, your awareness, are all speaking to God.  

  In fact there is not a moment you are not.  Nothing is hidden, nothing goes unseen or felt, it is all recorded, but not in a way to punish, but to give you all that you are asking for with your intentions.

  What you intend, you shall have…what you have done, will be returned to you in kind…complete with the exact feelings you have handed out.

  The wheel of cause and effect is turned by you.

  There is no special prayer to be sent to this Universal system, where you will be spared the just return…once you set an action in motion, it is already on its return trip back to you.

  I had to look up the word intention, so I was clear of it proper meaning.

  "A course of action that one intends to follow.  An aim or plan, a purpose. The state of one's mind at the time one carries out an action."

  The state of one's mind…for some reason, I believed intentions to be more about feelings. But I guess, intentions are more about the mind…or a Knowing.

  This makes sense in my experience, for when I had a confused mind, I was sending out confusing messages to the Universe. 

  My mind's definition were wrong, so the Universe could only send back what I had asked for.  

  It didn't know that I didn't know, and gave me exactly what I intended…it cared not, whether I knew what I was asking for or not.

  If I asked for love, and my definition of love was to lose myself in order to please others, I received others to please and not see me.

  I steered clear of people seeing me, for that meant "not Love".

  Not seeing equals love…so blind folks arrived by the bushel.

  You can pray until your blue in the face to the Universe to send you a warm and loving kind of love, which I sought, I just didn't know that my mind had a huge virus and was flipped around.  The Universe wasn't getting it wrong, I was.

  I had to fix my inner Knowing and definitions and send out a different intention…

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

  February 7, 2012

  empowerment, intentions, joy, love, peace, power, Universe

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• More Peace in 2012

  "Power vs Force" by David Hawkins.  

  He writes explaining the difference between Power and Force.

  "On examination, we'll see that power arises from meaning. It has to do with motive, and it has to do with principle.  Power is always associated with that which supports the significance of life itself.  It appeals to that part of human nature that we call noble – in contrast to force, which appeals to that which we call crass.  Power appeals to what uplifts, dignifies, and ennobles.  Force mus always be justified, whereas power requires no justification. Force is associated with the partial, power with the whole."

  "If we analyze the nature of force, it becomes readily apparent why it must succumb to power; this is in accordance with one of the basic laws of physics. Because force automatically creates counter-force, its effect is limited by definition.  We could say that force is a movement – It goes from here to there (or tries to) against opposition.  Power, on the other hand, is still.  It's like a standing field that doesn't move. Gravity itself, for instance, doesn't move against anything. Its power moves all objects within its field, but the gravity field itself does not move."

   "Force always moves against something, whereas power doesn't move against anything at all.  Force is incomplete and therefore has to be fed energy constantly.  Power is total and complete in itself and requires nothing from outside."

  "It makes no demands; it has no needs.  Because force has an insatiable appetite, it constantly consumes.  Power, in contrast, energizes, gives forth, supplies, and supports."

  "Power gives life and energy – force takes these away. We notice that power is associated with compassion and makes us feel positively about ourselves.  Force is associated with judgment and makes us feel poorly about ourselves."

  "Force always creates counterforce; its effect is to polarize rather than unify.  Polarization always implies conflict; its cost, therefore, is always high. Because force incites polarization, it inevitably produces a win/lose dichotomy; and because somebody always loses, enemies are created.  Constantly faced with enemies, force requires constant defense. Defensiveness is invariably costly, whether in the marketplace, politics, or international affairs."

  "In looking for the source of power, we've noted that it's associated with meaning, and this meaning has to do with the significance of life itself.  Force is concrete, literal, and arguable.  It requires proof and support. The sources of power, however, are inarguable and aren't subject to proof. The self-evident isn't arguable.  That health is more important than disease, that life is more important than death, that honor is preferable to dishonor, that faith and trust are preferable to doubt and cynicism, that the constructive is preferable to the destructive – all are self-evident statements not subject to proof. Ultimately, the only thing we can say about a source of power is that it just "is."

  "Every civilization is characterized by native principles.  if the priciples of a civilization are noble, it succeeds; if they're selfish it fails. As a term, principles may sound abstract, but the consequences of principle are quite concrete.  If we examine principles, we'll see that they reside in an invisible realm within consciousness itself.  Although we can point out examples of honesty in the world, honesty itself as an organizing principle central to civilization does not independently exist anywhere in the external world.  True power, hen emanates from consciousness itself; what we see is a visible manifestation of the invisible."

  "Pride, nobility of purpose, sacrifice for quality of life – all such things are considered inspirational, giving life significance. But what actually inspires us in the physical world are things that symbolize concepts with powerful meanings for us. Such symbols realign our motives wiht abstract principle.  A symbol can marshall great power because of the principle that already resides within our consciousness."

  Meaning is so important that when life losses meaning, suicide commonly ensues. When life loses meaning, we first go into depression; when life becomes sufficiently meaningless, we leave it altogether.  Force has transient goals; when those goals are reached, the emptiness of meaninglessness remains.  Power, on the other hand, motivates us endlessly.  If our lives are dedicated, for instance, to enhancing the welfare of everyone we contact, our lives can never lose meaning. If the purpose of our life, on the other hand, is financial success, what happens after it's been attained? This is one of the primary causes of depression in middleaged men and women."

  "The disillusionment of emptiness comes from failing to align one's life with the principles from which power originates. A useful illustration of this phenomenon can be seen in the lives of great musicians, composers, and conductors of our own times.  How frequently they continue productive careers into their 80's and 90's, often having children and living vigorously until a ripe old age! Their lives have been dedicated to the creation and embodiement of beauty, which incorporates and expresses enormous power.  We know clinically that alignment with beauty is associated with longevity and vigor -because beauty is a function of creativity, such longevity is common in all creative occupations."  David Hawkins.

  "Force always moves against something," is the line that really caught my eye. For I can tell immediately when I bump into force energy, they are always prepared for battle…seeing first the potential enemy before friend, they react in fear.

  When I meet someone who operates in power, they are open minded, trusting, vulnerable, honest, safe…and there is nothing I can do to rattle their cage.

  The complete opposite of folks who operate on Force.  There is nothing you can do to prove trustworthiness, for they don't even entertain the idea, for they can't relax and let anyone in.

  Dysfunctional families operate purely on force.

  What I find is that there is nothing you as an individual can do to prove your own worthiness, for they see the world from their own front porch, and inside is unworthiness.

  The view of the world is that of force…nothing is gained unless it is forced.  They are afraid of no force living, of allowing and giving freedom, of entertaining the idea of self empowerment.

  Power like gravity doesn't move against anything…it simply just is.

  I am no longer against anyone, I am with me.

  I walk not to prove anything, I walk with me.

  There is a huge and slight difference between power and force and by chosing one or the other; the whole world changes.

  Each person that switches their lives from force to power, creates a ripple affect, and there is one less person who has an enemy to fight…

  Peace on Earth happens one person at a time…May there be more peace in 2012.

   

   

   

  December 31, 2011

  david, each, enemies, force, Hawkins, life, peace, person, power, responsible, vs

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• Wearing a Tag, “Family”.

  My daughter waved her hand above her head in a crazy type way in explanation to who I am… Nuts.

  Yep, nuts…over zealous about abuse, that I will give up family for it, that I will sever relationships for it.  I am WAAAY out there… 

  Yep, that’s me.

  I felt she had me pegged completely; there was no argument there.

  While perhaps I would not categorize myself as insane, when it comes to dealing ‘rationally’ with abuse, I guess I am nuts.

  I will not tolerate it at all.  No matter from whom and especially when it comes to my kids.  I am overboard certifiably nuts.

  I tried to explain to her my viewpoint, but it is near impossible to explain, it is the old adage, you had to be there. 

  While I do believe we had a reasonable conversation, I felt she tried to come over to my side… it was impossible for her, and I am grateful.

  In order to see abuse like I see abuse, you would have to have been abused like me…she never tasted abuse like I have…her abuse was delivered to her by me.

  I told her the only abuse she has ever had came from me.

  I was irrational, unreasonable, and way more nuts when they were young compared to how I am today. 

  She said I am okay now, unless it comes to abuse, then I go nuts.  So, I have changed.

  In the past I was okay with abuse and went Nuts in the normal day-to-day living.  I love this.

  Do you get it?  I am seen as being nuts for going insane about abuse, by talking of it, warning others of it, writing my way free of it, seeing it when it appears, I am focused and relentless when it comes to abuse. 

  She said, you go way out there and am unreasonable about abuse, and I smiled and said, “yes that is me, I do do that!”

  I tried to explain to her that her grandmother was ‘reasonable’ with abuse. She didn’t want to lose her family so she was kind and ‘rational’ with abuse. 

  That I am okay being nuts when it comes to abuse. 

  I truly don’t mind the name calling and the finger pointing, the shunning and anger that is directed toward me as I staunchly remain unreasonable with abuse.

  I told her it matters not how they see me. What matters the most is that my children see a mother who will not sit down and be friendly with abuse.  I want them to see how to treat abuse by watching me.

  Abuse is not my friend.  

  I will lose relationships to step away from abuse.  I will not put ‘family’ above it.

  Meaning that just because my father was family, I should over look his abuse. Just because my mother is family, I should overlook the years she overlooked abuse.  Just because my brother is family, I should overlook his supporting abuse.

  To see family first …is what abuse is relying on.

  For if you see the family first, abuse slips by unnoticed.

  I am nuts about this, I refuse to let abuse slip by even wearing a tag “Family”.

   

  August 19, 2011

  abuse, behavior, childhood, excuse, family, For, incest, keep, normal, peace, sexual

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• Blanket of White Light

  I just awoke from a dream in which I was conversing with my mother, part of the dream she was there, the other she was on the phone, it vacillated back and forth.

  There was a lot of over talking where our loud voices drowned out the other; it portrayed pretty accurately how my feelings would react to her words and sentiments.

  What I feel the most is being washed over by her needs, like a heavy pull into her very twisted life, or being sucked into a vortex, while what I need the most was the serene peace away from her.

  Yesterday I heard about twenty minutes of an interview that Oprah had with a child suffering from being too sensitive to negative energies, and how he stated that he has to steer clear of negative people or their energies will invade his life and overtake his calm peace.

  He profoundly spoke of using White Light to surround himself and how this keeps the negative energies away.

  (I just went to http://www.oprah.com and watched him talking to Oprah about negative energies and White Light…it is at towards the ending of the write up and you can actually watch him.)

  His simple description of wrapping himself in White Light prevents him from being spun out of control by negative people and things, equals my backing up from many in my family. Once you know where the drains are we need to steer clear.

  What he also stated is that negative energies feed off of the calm energies…. When you put this into practical practice, you can see how pedophiles feed off little girls, and it changes them once the negative energies are allowed in, it alters their balance inside.

  It is clear to me the visual of dark energies and how if you are not aware, will be sucked into them and their world, how you will serve them and leave your calm peaceful self behind. As a child you are unaware of what even happened, and sadly in the case of the monster in the home, you can’t escape the negativity, you are saturated in it.

  This also seems to explain even my daughter, how her good energy was slurped up by his negative life situation eventually darkening her, changing her brightness, and dimming her.

  The little boy speaks of doing the White Light by saying and knowing he is calm, love, awesome, cool, wise etc.

  This is how we overpower the negative, by knowing who we are.

  In his case he is overly sensitive to anyone who is carrying negative energies, and that even in his home, his parents have to try and be peace, love and joy, for if they are worry, fretting and anxious, he feels that and responds.

  This brilliant example shows how our energies affect others.

  How I had to back up from my original family to maintain my inner peace, love and joy.

  And oddly enough it also shows me that my husband is right on track, when he said that our home had to be the safe haven for my daughter.

  My greatest feat in all of this, was to continually push away the thoughts and fears, and settle instead of keeping it a normal peaceful place to be and for me to match that peace as well.

  Our home had to be a White Light zone.

  My dream of the vortex of negative energy and how it wants to dance with my peace by washing over me and leaving nothing but a shell remaining.

  Unless I speak up, saying loudly and clearly, I know who you are what you want and I refuse you entrance in my world.

  My intent 6 long years ago was to go forth with Love, Peace and Joy, what I didn’t know then was that I was hooking my wagon to White Light.

  All my choices from that day forward had to match peace, love and joy inside. If I didn’t feel at peace I didn’t make that choice, be it mother, father, sister or brother, I let them all go for my peace.

  Now I know I was choosing to wrap myself in a blanket of White Light.

  February 22, 2011

  awareness, drawing, dreams, energies, joy, love, negative, oprah show, peace, positive, pulling, sensitive, vortex, White Light

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• Without Conditions.

  My daughter asked me to clarify, that the abuse I speak of is not sexual, it is not rape, it is not fondling, it is I guess a light form of abuse, it is cheating.

  There has been no physical abuse to her body.

  While this may satisfy those who view abuse to be only sexual or physical in any manner, there is another level or spectrum of abuse.

  The psychic damage that lies beneath what the naked eye can see, its affects can only be seen by the actions of the body.

  Where it moves and how it acts, whether it has radar for when it either abuses or is abused.

  The damage psyche has a hard time discerning what is abuse and what is love, it has been led slowly and over time to shut down the body and its signals.

  It is running amuck and out of control, it is doing things that someone in their ‘right mind’ would not do.

  This psychic blindness to morals and values doesn’t happen overnight, it is a process, a slow and laborious time consuming process, it happens with saturation of crafty words, pretty messages, long winded conversations, a preaching of sorts.

  My daughter’s cell phone has recorded this outpouring of emotional cheating.

  Near 5,000 minutes in one month of talking…at least this is what our current bill shows.

  Plus another 3,000 text messages.

  Now, I will agree that there are a few sprinkled odd calls, but the most favored number appears over and over and over like a broken recorded, beating and beating, and beating, and beating…

  Some will say, I am over reacting, blowing it out of proportion that I have lost my mind or it is proof that I am certifiably nuts.

  But, I stand as I have stood and say, this MARRIED man, has taken advantage of his babysitter, he is abusing not only his wife, his children and my daughter, but he has changed the peace within our home.

  Some say, she too owns her part. I will agree. I now hold her responsible for the way this continues, how the road twists and turns, what bumps we will take, how this cheating dance that I have blown out of proportion will affect my happy home.

  It seems that my daughter and I are standing face to face, she has to lose what she loves or I have to lose what I love.

  She is standing in a spot that is very difficult to maneuver out of. You will lose something, you just have to decide what.

  She has to see where the biggest part of her self is.

  She has to feel down deeply and act accordingly.

  I have to honor her choice.

  I have had lots more practice losing.

  I told my husband, I have lost so much there isn’t much of my heart left to break, that he with his big as a house heart may have bear the brunt of it, hold me up, hold her up and carry us forward.

  It is out of my hands, has been out of my hands, it is out of my control, all I can do is allow the Universe to turn the corner, to take the next step and follow where it leads.

  If my lesson is total and unconditional love for her, she has it.

  I will love her no matter what.

  I will love and understand that she is doing what it is she is meant to do.

  I will not kick her when she is down.

  I love the confused girl, the almost woman, and the innocence she once was, there is no part of her I don’t love.

  I love now without conditions.

  January 23, 2011

  abuse, cheating, confusion, emotional, joy, love, peace, sexual, uncondtional love

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• Against my Mind.

  What an odd Christmas I had, it was almost like an out of body experience, certainly out of control, where Christmas joy seemed to mock me outside, yet inside lay a storm of hurt, anger, sorrow, confusion, resentment, more confusion a mess of wires all tangled up with beauty everywhere.

  It is odd to be so riled up inside and the outside appearing picture perfect.

  Looking inside our home last night, you would see a beautiful family and a wonderful Christmas scene; the only dark cloud was fuming around me.

  Today I didn’t know how my day would go, if I would be able to get out from under the cloud, if the fog would leave so I could sit in peace.

  Sit and just breathe in the day.

  My family watched me cautiously, wary and on tippy toes and eggshells, as I did my self.

  Wondering at my own sense of mental balance.

  This mental dysfunction of co-dependency can strike at any time, a hook is caught upon another’s action and blame and resentment ensue.

  If I could know that a snag was coming, I could head it off at the pass, but I am surprised as the ones I am snagged onto, unconsciously a lesson is arriving unbeknownst to me.

  I stay hooked as long as I blame the other, the only way I can work my way free is to see where my responsibility and actions led to the hookup.

  My freedom comes when I can stay aware in the midst of the snag and wise enough to know it isn’t all their fault, that it takes two to tangle.

  And what I usually find, is that they are doing their thing and I hop on wanting, wishing, dreaming that they will drop their life to satisfy mine.

  Oddly enough while it may have been the worst Christmas Eve ever, it also is a template to model the rest by, using it to design free Christmas activities in the future.

  Today, as the dinner preps were needed, I asked.

  I asked for help.
  I asked for specifics.
  I asked and it was met with no resistance, no complaints.

  Now this can’t be a real test, for they were so not wanting a Johnny raincloud on Christmas day or at the dinner table.

  My tone was different, the manic need was gone, there seemed to be a team spirit, a tone of many helping hands.

  Again, I know that they were coming, that we were coming off of a bad experience, where my manic mood stole Christmas joy, so I can’t be sure the atmosphere changed permanently, but a change was from deep dark fear to neutral.

  I will not say I was filled with joy or filled with gratitude or love or peace, but I was out of the depths of hell.

  Even in neutral the rest could feel their own joy, I wasn’t stealing their peace.

  How awful to witness the affects one dark rain cloud can have on a party, and to be it.

  It’s like the party planner; the event coordinator creates this wonderful display, great food, and then sits and stews in the midst like a bad stench spreading it everywhere.

  Like Dr. Jill Bolte says, “you are responsible for the energy you bring into the room.”

  Yet I felt so out of control.

  What I can do next time is just state how out of control, how angry, hurt, confused, resentful I am and it is best that I be excused.

  Taking my dark insides with me.

  Christmas for me was seeing the damage that darkness of co-dependency can do, how it changes the feelings of the others in the room, how it takes out joy.

  It is scary that I still have episodes of this.

  Yet I feel that each time I learn more about myself and hopefully be wiser next time.

  It left us all happy with neutral, no over joyful or dreaded darkness, just an idle.

  My mental dysfunctional co-dependency bouts start with a small item and pick up speed and volume if left unchecked, its almost like I got drunk on negative energy.

  Today I felt hung over and depleted from being strung so tight my head and jaw in a vice, muscles taunt, breath shallow, vision clouded.

  Braced to fight my misconstrued expectations to the death, while wanting desperately to be free and relaxed and calm and accepting, bending to the change in plans.

  Instead I put support beams of thoughts around the expectations built upon nothing.

  Like fluff on a cloud.

  Nothing supporting nothing.

  Mental thoughts being planned by a mental mind.

  The left side of my head is bruised, my jaw in pain, my left neck and shoulder ache, all a stiff from my struggle with reality.

  What I want most is to relax, to breathe, and to process this episode to my DNA.

  What I caught a few hour glimpse of is my old life, a spirit of Christmas pasts.

  My life review brought to life in reality.
  I had just been thinking a few weeks ago, that our home hasn’t had me go ‘crazy’ in a long while, and there I was in full living color, out of reality, crazy.

  Tonight I am grateful that I visit this state now, but don’t live there full time.

  How incredibly hard that life is.
  How separated, how desolate, how fearful, how lonely…

  What I think now is that this mental dysfunctional co-dependency, is something to manage, never cured.

  That it can sneak in and steal my peace at any time, that the more I set the stage, by voicing my concerns, needs, desires, the less opportunity it has to grab on and hijack my life.

  My antidote is flexibility and freedom.
  Theirs and mine, against my mind.

  December 25, 2010

  blame, brooding, co-dependency, flexibility, illness, mental, peace, shame, silence, stealing, voice

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• Your love inside.

  It came to me while doing yoga, that the only way you can feel sad, hurt, upset is when you lose your power of your love, peace and joy.

  So, you are either living in your love, your peace or your joy….or our sad because you lost your way.

  You forgot to remember that it is your voice that needs to speak up about what you feel, that you are in charge of your feelings.

  When you are feeling sad, hurt, lonely, etc, that means you lost your being in charge button, you silenced your voice, you pretended not to notice your love, peace and joy slipping away.

  I love this.

  I love that feeling sad, hurt, confused are just sign posts letting you know, ooops you lost love, or joy or peace and they are loud shouting voices informing you of such.

  I will now welcome the feelings of sadness, for they are really angels bearing gifts of letting me know I am doing something that leads me away from love, peace and joy.

  Feeling hurt is feeling the absence of your love inside.

  December 21, 2010

  angels, empowerment, gifts, hurt, joy, love, peace, power, speaking

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• I feel Solo

  As I look at my self in my life today, I am so much freer than I would have ever dreamed possible.

  While I live in the same house, married to the same man, and still have four children with me, I am no longer chained by their behavior…well okay, I still get stuck for a half hour or so, but I can usually set myself free.

  Dr. Berman spoke of the triangle affect, where relationships get stuck when couples move from one corner to the next exchanging roles and manipulating feelings.

  I lived on that triangle for years and years, and I was the master at being a hero and dabbled in the victim villain roles pretty often as well.

  On the triangle you are never in control of your feelings, somebody owns yours and you own anothers, we forever go around making other people feel and feeling how other people make us…never free to feel by yourself.

  If your not moving feelings around, there is the spot of hero, where you literally take over the responsibility of another’s life, where you come in and save the day, allowing them to miss a lesson to grow and learn by experience.

  This triangle is dysfunction and it leaves you separated from your feelings, where you are forever at the mercy of another.

  My past six years have been unlearning the triangle reflexes of blaming the other, and instead look inside to see where I gave up power.

  Looking for the power leak, where I lost control of my own power.

  Any time I say, “you disappoint me” or “ you make me feel sad” I am back on the triangle as a victim.

  Instead if I say, “I am sad or I am hurt” I am in control of my feelings and I get to explore why.

  What actions did I do to wind up feeling this way?

  What can I do now to make me feel better?

  It leaves the other person out of my feelings; it frees them up to be in charge of their own.

  The co-dependency triangle leaves you so tangled up and out of control, where you never can be assured that your peace, love and joy will stick around, that soon something or somebody will come along and steal it away.

  What I love love love, is that you are the only one who can give that away. It isn’t stolen, you literally hand it over in a victim like drama way with great words and feelings.

  When I learned that my love, my joy and my peace were mine and I had right and obligation to protect them, life was much easier, I walked away from the triangle.

  Standing authentic with your feelings isn’t always easy, but always empowering.

  I no longer disappoint my feelings or cover them up or speak down to them or pretend them to be different than what they are.

  I stand up with them no matter what.

  My feelings empower me.

  The Spirit of me is alive in feelings.

  I am as I feel or I feel as I am.

  I blame no one for how I feel.

  I feel solo.

  December 21, 2010

  blame, dance, dr. Berman, dysfunction, empowerment, feelings, joy, losing, lost, love, peace, power, relationships, shame, spirit, struggle, therapist, triangle

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• Christmas Joys

  My Christmas’s of old had a huge agenda to fulfill, they had to bring magic and make belief, and they had to make me feel better. It was like waiting for the elixir or medicine bringing love, peace and joy.

  Waiting for a gift that would change my life or a gift from the least likely person, great changes hung in the air.

  The season of Christmas had the power to make right a life that was way off kilter.

  Or the feverish hope that if I could create the perfect Christmas season, life would fall into place.

  Christmas had a sleigh load of expectations, loaded up by me.

  Yesterday, I felt the absence of this manic desire, it seemed that Christmas had lost its fever.

  It was like my life no longer needed this magic, that Christmas or no Christmas I was way okay.

  I am not in the need of gifts that shout, “I love You,” or trees that must hold the joy of the season, or that the stockings are hung, pleading for attention.

  There doesn’t seem to be anything missing in my life that Christmas can fulfill.

  The Christmas tree stands alone in its glory, smelling delicious with ornaments from years long ago, a bright presence of joy, matching joys I have inside.

  Whether I bake Christmas goodies or not, my home will maintain its steady calm atmosphere, relaxed and homey.

  It was shocking and delightful to know that there wasn’t anything we needed to make this season bright.

  The brightness of the season lives here all year long.

  The contrast between the two Christmases is unreal.

  To add Christmas to life that was so upside down is like adding a bow to confusion and expecting it to unravel like magic.

  What a wonderful feeling to have a Christmas without an agenda, to just be with the Christmas joys…

  December 20, 2010

  agendas, Christmas, expectations, Holiday, joy, love, peace, season, stress

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