Tag: shame

• Gaining a friend

  When I began writing, it was all about finding the truth.  I was so lost in knowing what was the truth and what was not…I wrote to find my way. 

  The reasons for this is that speaking the truth is not something that we all do.  Living the truth is for certain what we are not used to.  In fact I feel a flush of shame in speaking the truth.  Isn't that odd???

  You would think that telling lies would have me feeling the heat of getting caught, of being in trouble, and of losing friends…but for telling the truth???

  Even my new young friends have turned away…not because I lie, but because I say what is true for me.

  I don't get this…and yet I do.

  I wasn't taught to tell my truth, feel my truth and certainly not point out or act upon someone else's truth.  In fact telling the truth got me in trouble and was cause for a cold shoulder, annihilation.  And it still remains that way from folks who know, but don't want me to say.

  No one it seemed wanted to wave their truths around.  My father hid his and my mother helped him…and so did I.  It was a given within the family, NoT to talk about it.  To go on and present normal.

  Think about it.  Lies and lies of omission are seen as commonplace. And the truth a shocking attack.  How???

  This is a huge part of the ongoing abuse…what happens to those who speak up…and who point out the discrepancies between what is presented and what happens behind the scenes.  Doors begin to shut…distance opens up, we get pushed away…for telling the truth.

  Only those unhealed in abuse fear the truth.  

  Those who are seeking to be healed, need the truth. The truth is our way out. Untruths will keep you locked in the awkward dance of two lives.

  One where on surface it is a beautiful picture…but the feelings and emotions don't match.

  I used to live there.  I know what it is like to have a life and have feelings that are a complete juxtaposition.  I too used to lie to be normal.  I understand.

  My lies of normal did not make a father…but hid a pedophile.

  My lies supported abuse.

  I no longer can lie.

  I will lose 'friends' but friends don't lie to each other.

  I am sorry…for the potential seems so alive and electric…our similarities so great…and then.

  Then there were big gaps where truth needed to be…and actions taken.  A hole…a space, an opening, a chance, an opportunity to be forthcoming and instead silence screamed out.  Omitting the truth.

  Perhaps my flush of being caught in the truth, is a knowing.  A line in the sand, that separates and divides.

  It isn't so much me and you…but my truth and you from your truth.

  I just keep feeling flung back at the oddness of being caught with the truth and how that feels like I will get in trouble for it.  Striking to say the least.

  It is like I have been taught that telling the truth is as bad as what normal people feel about telling a lie.  Can you see the flip in how I was punished for telling the truth and rewarded and accepted for telling lies.

  It used to be more important to get along and be liked, to not toss rocks of truth into the waters and blink away red flags…but I no longer want to build a life of lies…

  My body doesn't do well knowing one thing, but saying another.  I am no longer capable of remaining silent.  I cannot omit that which I feel.

  And I will lose friends or fail to make some…but a me who lies to be liked will not be liked by me.  My integrity means more than gaining a friend…

  
  A lady who knows her truth…imperfectly.

  February 13, 2012

  contradiction, FALC, false, friends, guilt, lies, lives, shame, truth

  ---

• Baton-Less!

  I thought about innocence yesterday and what it is, how is it experienced and do I truly know it.

  This morning it came to me that I was picking up pieces of innocence as I walked searching for truth, and that perhaps truth is innocence, for without truth can there be innocence?  And is it possible to have experienced so much that isn't innocent and still be innocent or be able to return to the land of innocence?

  I had looked up the meaning of innocence and one definition said, "freedom from guilt or sin through being unacquainted with evil – blamelessness.  I like this one.

  Being free of guilt…

  I thought perhaps it was impossible to get back a state of innocence, that once you fell out of that pureness, it would be impossible to wipe yourself clean again.

  Innocence dies when you feel blamed.  Innocence dies when you become acquainted with evil… And it returns when the blame lies outside of you.

  If everyone would look upward, toward their parents, victims would dry up…innocence would bloom…like a chain reaction of love flowing backwards through generations; innocence would flourish.

  Seeing the flow of guilt and how it poured downward into small children, you can see the cause…how it forms and why.

  Alice Miller is correct, that the fourth commandment has really messed with our heads and psyches, by bringing blame into our selves out of fear of blaming our parents.

  Innocence is being able to stand up and face the truth of what is…not carrying the blame, shame and guilt that isn't mine to carry.  I didn't start this trickle down affect, but I do carry my responsibility to stop it from flowing down into my children.

  If I blame my children for 'making me mad' or 'losing control', I am passing the baton of guilt to my child.  If she reaches for the baton, she will lose her innocence.  Taking the blame for something you didn't start is to lose your innocence.

  Taking back your innocence is to hand back the blame.

  A relay going backwards, is the only way we can heal ourselves from abuse…

  The weight of carrying the wrong baton is where all the issues lie.  

  I remember in the early days of my mental breakdown, the days of discovering that all I thought I knew, I knew nothing….I recall feeling that this mess was much to big for me AND that I can't fix what I didn't create.  

  It took me out of the lives of my parents and siblings and into my own.  My own was a big enough mess and I carried only that.

  I handed the batons of guilt and responsibility back to my parents.

  I handed the batons of guilt and responsibility back to my siblings.

  And only sat with what I was responsible for.  

  In the past, in the present or in my future.  Holding that damn baton in order to keep my parents guilt free, had done nothing to clean them up, but in fact dirtied me.

  I see sins being forgiven the same way.  "Here hold my guilt for me…carry the burdens of my bad choices!"

  Quitting the relay team of guilt has set me free…I carry only me.

  I take responsibility for what I do, what I say and how I act.

  My children don't have to carry any part of me.

  I am a self contained container…a free me.

  Innocence is being free to be me…baton-less!

  
  Photograph by Hannah Jukuri….

   

  January 26, 2012

  blame, child, choices, codependency, guilt, innocence, knowing, life, shame

  ---

• When I am 80.

  My writing assignment was to write a letter from my eight-year-old self to my adult self, and I sat there blank.  I could not figure out what the little girl needed to tell me.

   

  So, I went and did my morning yoga session. And it came to me that if I look at her sitting within a family of dysfunction and her seeing her older self having escaped, that perhaps then there would be lots to say.

   

  My little self would look upon this adult woman and admire the strength it took for her to walk the walk needed to walk the walk to get her out of the situation of her childhood and to now be working on becoming more artful self.

   

  She at 8 could look upon me where I stand today and be so grateful that I was able to circle back and regain the ownership and awareness of her soul. 

   

  That I was able to traverse the wild churning waters of abuse and arrive seemingly unscathed and actually prospering as an adult woman, she would be amazed at my ability to withstand the truth and then to make new choices based upon it.

   

  She would be so grateful that I am no longer in abusive relationships or that I am still being victimized, that I have learned how to do self care, to speak for my self and have the strength to follow through.

   

  She would breath a sigh of relief to know that we survived and are now heading into an even brighter future, where I am honing my self-awareness with yoga and The Artist’s Way, that we are on the pathway of self-loving.

  At times I too find it hard to see the distance I traveled and the depth and breath of change that my life has withstood…I stand with my little girl in awe of where we have been and sit in gratitude we not only survived but also are thriving.

   

  What brings me the most peace is that I can look straight into my little girl’s eyes and feel proud and wise and strong, and not have to look away in shame and guilt.

   

  I feel so strongly confident that we are on the right path, and that when I am 80; I will look upon this 52-year-old self the same way.

   

  And in fact there is a writing assignment to write a letter from your 80-year-old self to your 50-year-old self.

   

  I found that much easier, for I was telling me what the Artist’s Way is teaching me, to be more artful, more daring, more wild in learning new things and experimenting, to go out and grasp all the delights the world has to offer, to change your routine, to add some spice and thrill, to toss in colorful experiences…

   

  I want to be at 80, what I am today, but more of it. 

   

  I want to look backwards at the next 30 years and be breathless at what I did!

   

  Each Artist’s date is adding to the list of things that will blow my mind as I look back when I am 80.

   

   

   

   

  July 12, 2011

  abuse, art, artist’s way, Cameron, choices, growth, guilt, Julia, life, reflection, self, shame, surviving, The

  ---

• The Shame Lives when we hide it…bravery is born when we don’t!

  We can’t know the obstacle courses another person is navigating in their lives, what sorts of soul wrenching choices they are making, what tricky waters they are navigating by how they present themselves daily, for most often we are taught to ‘put our best face forward’ and not share the nitty and the gritty, the sad and devastating and we have all become masks of covering up.

  How did it become more natural to pretend than to walk in authenticity, like we get points for being the most put together and champions of keeping our ‘messes’ well hidden?

  So that now it seems that a person who speaks their truth and walks it is a phenomena instead of the norm.

  What is it about human nature that we want sunshine and blue skies, peace, love and joy and push back and away from feelings and emotions of great tragedy, yet live it anyway?

  The behind the scenes drama would be better served in front and out loud. To simply present to the world your selves dressed in your dirty laundry and wear it with flare.

  To be as disheveled on the outside as the raging confusion and overwhelming emotions of pain on the inside and for it all to match, instead of primping and struggling to remain perfectly coiffed while totally unraveling.

  It seems we want perfect looking lives whether we live them or not and we will struggle to pull it off, and feel victorious if we can walk around in public hiding our broken insides.

  Imagine the world and how much more relaxed it would be if our insides would appear as accessories, if we were allowed to wear our confusion outside, what great advice would pour our way and how comforting it would be to see that you were not alone.

  And, the greatest news is that the secrets would die for it would be unfashionable to not have colorful deeply intriguing soulful items displayed on your chest.

  Imagine the white blankness of indifference compared to the wildly attractive colors of wrestling with overcoming abuse?

  How nice it would be to get rid of the social presentation and just be our selves…

  What happens with these social masks and if they are good actors, is that you never get to know the real person, just the nice set of clothes that walk around.

  In walking and talking about my ‘dirty’ laundry or my truth, I have had the greatest privilege to hear others real life…they relax and be them selves where the social outside disappears and underneath is this wildly exciting alive soul living life, going through huge lessons of growth and inner knowing.

  Life is lived underneath the perfect faces and put together clothing and if you dare wear your dirty laundry in public you will find others who are eager to do so too.

  My dirtiest of the dirt is that I have a pedophile for a father and once I openly displayed this, owned it, spoke it, I have been free to display other shades of dysfunction as well, and little by little my whole self is allowed to come forth.

  I have become comfortable in my own skin and wear my abuse as a badge of courage not of shame; it’s one of the last diseases that need to be socially acceptable.

  Human nature when its abused creates this, it isn’t a bug, it is spread from family member to family member and I truly believe that the more we talk about this and the more we openly display our abuse, the less power it will have and its insidious spreading will recede.

  Incest is hidden behind nice looking clothes and demeanors, and family’s monsters are protected and made normal so as not to stand out and look odd…and we need to undress this normalcy and own it.

  When we own it we begin treating the root cause…we find the line and the path of destruction and can one by one bring them in the open and see how their abuse affected them.

  Are they still being victims or have they taken over and become what abused them? And we have to recognize that they are acting out perfectly for being abused.

  “Hurt people hurt people.” They are not natural monsters; they became this way coming from whence they came.

  While we can see the wolf in sheep’s clothing, we never treat the wolf we just pet the lamb.

  Petting the monster will not stop the abuse; it is only facing the monster within that we can begin to affect the root cause.

  Undressing and exposing the monster is a step in the right direction.

  Isn’t it funny, but we all know we are petting a lamb with the volatile wolf underneath…yet we are too afraid to know it and speak it and do something about it. It is much easier to pretend it is a lamb the whole way through, even though the wolf fangs are showing and we have bites to prove it…

  I know the cost of not disrobing the wolf…of pretending that he is only a lamb.

  Our children need to know from us adults in the room, that a monster is sitting in their presence and if we treat him like a lamb, so will they.

  It is time we call a spade a spade, a monster a monster and a molested child a molested child. It is time for us to wear our wounds on the outside with courage.

  The shame lives when we hide it…bravery is born when we don’t!

  May 16, 2011

  abuse, bravery, child, courage, disease, exposing, facing, hiding, life, secrets, sexual, shame, social

  ---

• Be you alone.

  Yesterday I was asked if I felt lonely and I felt inside of myself and I didn’t, but I understood lonely and have been there often.

  Yet what I failed to understand until I started writing today was that lonely is seeking that part of ourselves that were wounded in childhood. It isn’t so much someone, but a part of us that is missing. We are lonely for ourselves.

  I was writing along and discovered that my meaning or my view of a childhood wound was neglect, sexual abuse, damage, something awful, but do you know what it really is?

  If you look at this from the point of view of what the child lost instead of what happened to them you would discover that the wound is something missing, not something added to who we were.

  It isn’t that we now carry rape and its disgusting features, especially if you were a child and the man your father, but what happens is that in that instant, we felt that our innocence went missing.

  Most focus on the rape and its ugly addition to us, like it now becomes part of who we are, instead of seeing this as something our innocent self endured.

  What I believe is if we are not treated as innocent, we then believe we are not, and then leave childhood minus our feelings of being precious and innocent.

  Living life without knowing you are innocent and precious will open you up to all kinds of situations where you sell your self short, become a people pleaser, have no sense of your own value and self worth.

  The one two punch that my parents delivered left me feeling that I was no longer innocent, my value had changed, I was no longer precious to him and she was unable to see her precious husband change, so instead I had to be the one.

  How confusing this can all be. You think you have to go back and wrestle with the feelings of being abused, but actually it is feeling the loss of innocence.

  A childhood wound is a hole in our innocence.

  And we are the ones to bring it back.

  We are the ones to strengthen our weakened state.

  In the beginning of healing we find ourselves as leaky as a sieve and we slowly over time, we become a solid bowl.

  My container of self, my wholeness is more solid today than ever before, I had plug the holes by speaking up about my innocence.

  In the past few months, I have been able to witness the loss of innocence, the lure and the grooming and the way others treat my daughter after, myself included, to find the intricacies of abuse and what it actually means to be wounded in childhood without the experience of guarding your self worth and value.

  Sadly, the reason there is so much childhood abuse, is these newly arrived souls on the planet haven’t learned to protect themselves they are easy targets.

  They are loving trusting and kind individuals that get lured and groomed into letting go of their innocence for the pleasure of an abusive person, confused with the attention and courtship, they fail to see the hook, before they swallow the line.

  What makes this so hard to stop, is that the abusers knows how to lure and groom and make comfortable and when they have complete trust and faith, they then ask or move in a direction we did not see coming, and in that instant we are asked to stand by our innocence or please them.

  Comfort them, love them, allow them, do this favor, lend an ear, bring compassion and empathy…letting go of our own innocence we focus on what they are asking, and our innocence fades away.

  We become part of the dance.

  Even though we didn’t start it, we participated and that alone makes us guilty, yet all we did was let our innocence go to please someone one.

  Letting go of our innocence is our crime.

  What I also found is the steep incline it took to get my innocence back, I had to put the ‘blame’ if you will on the one who treated me poorly, they had to own their own actions and I got to own mine.

  While I balanced my self worth sheets inside, I created two columns, what was my responsibility and what was yours.

  Separating who did what to whom, what age, what experience, what was reality in that time frame in my life, and in doing so, was able to see the trend continuing forward, all the places I lost myself.

  What I have found is the characters from way back then to present didn’t change, but rather I was able to see what was actually going on, and how I felt and how they felt about me by our actions.

  I had no one to blame in my adult years but me.

  It is in owning me as an individual and not a public held entity, that I see it all begins and ends with me.

  My business is being me, being whole, and finding myself in the midst of deep lonely feelings, for you can be certain there is another hole to plug.

  Healing is removing the parts of my self that I have given away to others, pieces of my innocence, chunks of my self worth, bits of value. To see all the times I looked at other to carry me, to make me happy, feel loved, feel worthy, all are signs of my weakness…the places I let my self go.

  Each time I am lonely…it is clue, I lost my self there.

  Each time I feel powerless, well you can bet I gave myself up there.
  Each time I am angry at another’s action, I am expecting them to do something for me, carry me, love me, make me feel secure, and so I know I dropped a part of me there.

  It is amazing how fragmented we are, how may folks carry our sense of self.

  It is lonely, if you need others to be you.

  In a co-dependent society, being alone means being lonely for no one is supporting you.

  How awful to stand alone, separated, unattached…

  Being whole means needing no one to be you.

  You just be you alone.

  March 13, 2011

  abuse, alone, angry, blame, childhood, co-dependency, Finding, guilt, innocent, lonely, lost, powerless, secure, self, sexual, shame

  ---

• Against my Mind.

  What an odd Christmas I had, it was almost like an out of body experience, certainly out of control, where Christmas joy seemed to mock me outside, yet inside lay a storm of hurt, anger, sorrow, confusion, resentment, more confusion a mess of wires all tangled up with beauty everywhere.

  It is odd to be so riled up inside and the outside appearing picture perfect.

  Looking inside our home last night, you would see a beautiful family and a wonderful Christmas scene; the only dark cloud was fuming around me.

  Today I didn’t know how my day would go, if I would be able to get out from under the cloud, if the fog would leave so I could sit in peace.

  Sit and just breathe in the day.

  My family watched me cautiously, wary and on tippy toes and eggshells, as I did my self.

  Wondering at my own sense of mental balance.

  This mental dysfunction of co-dependency can strike at any time, a hook is caught upon another’s action and blame and resentment ensue.

  If I could know that a snag was coming, I could head it off at the pass, but I am surprised as the ones I am snagged onto, unconsciously a lesson is arriving unbeknownst to me.

  I stay hooked as long as I blame the other, the only way I can work my way free is to see where my responsibility and actions led to the hookup.

  My freedom comes when I can stay aware in the midst of the snag and wise enough to know it isn’t all their fault, that it takes two to tangle.

  And what I usually find, is that they are doing their thing and I hop on wanting, wishing, dreaming that they will drop their life to satisfy mine.

  Oddly enough while it may have been the worst Christmas Eve ever, it also is a template to model the rest by, using it to design free Christmas activities in the future.

  Today, as the dinner preps were needed, I asked.

  I asked for help.
  I asked for specifics.
  I asked and it was met with no resistance, no complaints.

  Now this can’t be a real test, for they were so not wanting a Johnny raincloud on Christmas day or at the dinner table.

  My tone was different, the manic need was gone, there seemed to be a team spirit, a tone of many helping hands.

  Again, I know that they were coming, that we were coming off of a bad experience, where my manic mood stole Christmas joy, so I can’t be sure the atmosphere changed permanently, but a change was from deep dark fear to neutral.

  I will not say I was filled with joy or filled with gratitude or love or peace, but I was out of the depths of hell.

  Even in neutral the rest could feel their own joy, I wasn’t stealing their peace.

  How awful to witness the affects one dark rain cloud can have on a party, and to be it.

  It’s like the party planner; the event coordinator creates this wonderful display, great food, and then sits and stews in the midst like a bad stench spreading it everywhere.

  Like Dr. Jill Bolte says, “you are responsible for the energy you bring into the room.”

  Yet I felt so out of control.

  What I can do next time is just state how out of control, how angry, hurt, confused, resentful I am and it is best that I be excused.

  Taking my dark insides with me.

  Christmas for me was seeing the damage that darkness of co-dependency can do, how it changes the feelings of the others in the room, how it takes out joy.

  It is scary that I still have episodes of this.

  Yet I feel that each time I learn more about myself and hopefully be wiser next time.

  It left us all happy with neutral, no over joyful or dreaded darkness, just an idle.

  My mental dysfunctional co-dependency bouts start with a small item and pick up speed and volume if left unchecked, its almost like I got drunk on negative energy.

  Today I felt hung over and depleted from being strung so tight my head and jaw in a vice, muscles taunt, breath shallow, vision clouded.

  Braced to fight my misconstrued expectations to the death, while wanting desperately to be free and relaxed and calm and accepting, bending to the change in plans.

  Instead I put support beams of thoughts around the expectations built upon nothing.

  Like fluff on a cloud.

  Nothing supporting nothing.

  Mental thoughts being planned by a mental mind.

  The left side of my head is bruised, my jaw in pain, my left neck and shoulder ache, all a stiff from my struggle with reality.

  What I want most is to relax, to breathe, and to process this episode to my DNA.

  What I caught a few hour glimpse of is my old life, a spirit of Christmas pasts.

  My life review brought to life in reality.
  I had just been thinking a few weeks ago, that our home hasn’t had me go ‘crazy’ in a long while, and there I was in full living color, out of reality, crazy.

  Tonight I am grateful that I visit this state now, but don’t live there full time.

  How incredibly hard that life is.
  How separated, how desolate, how fearful, how lonely…

  What I think now is that this mental dysfunctional co-dependency, is something to manage, never cured.

  That it can sneak in and steal my peace at any time, that the more I set the stage, by voicing my concerns, needs, desires, the less opportunity it has to grab on and hijack my life.

  My antidote is flexibility and freedom.
  Theirs and mine, against my mind.

  December 25, 2010

  blame, brooding, co-dependency, flexibility, illness, mental, peace, shame, silence, stealing, voice

  ---

• I feel Solo

  As I look at my self in my life today, I am so much freer than I would have ever dreamed possible.

  While I live in the same house, married to the same man, and still have four children with me, I am no longer chained by their behavior…well okay, I still get stuck for a half hour or so, but I can usually set myself free.

  Dr. Berman spoke of the triangle affect, where relationships get stuck when couples move from one corner to the next exchanging roles and manipulating feelings.

  I lived on that triangle for years and years, and I was the master at being a hero and dabbled in the victim villain roles pretty often as well.

  On the triangle you are never in control of your feelings, somebody owns yours and you own anothers, we forever go around making other people feel and feeling how other people make us…never free to feel by yourself.

  If your not moving feelings around, there is the spot of hero, where you literally take over the responsibility of another’s life, where you come in and save the day, allowing them to miss a lesson to grow and learn by experience.

  This triangle is dysfunction and it leaves you separated from your feelings, where you are forever at the mercy of another.

  My past six years have been unlearning the triangle reflexes of blaming the other, and instead look inside to see where I gave up power.

  Looking for the power leak, where I lost control of my own power.

  Any time I say, “you disappoint me” or “ you make me feel sad” I am back on the triangle as a victim.

  Instead if I say, “I am sad or I am hurt” I am in control of my feelings and I get to explore why.

  What actions did I do to wind up feeling this way?

  What can I do now to make me feel better?

  It leaves the other person out of my feelings; it frees them up to be in charge of their own.

  The co-dependency triangle leaves you so tangled up and out of control, where you never can be assured that your peace, love and joy will stick around, that soon something or somebody will come along and steal it away.

  What I love love love, is that you are the only one who can give that away. It isn’t stolen, you literally hand it over in a victim like drama way with great words and feelings.

  When I learned that my love, my joy and my peace were mine and I had right and obligation to protect them, life was much easier, I walked away from the triangle.

  Standing authentic with your feelings isn’t always easy, but always empowering.

  I no longer disappoint my feelings or cover them up or speak down to them or pretend them to be different than what they are.

  I stand up with them no matter what.

  My feelings empower me.

  The Spirit of me is alive in feelings.

  I am as I feel or I feel as I am.

  I blame no one for how I feel.

  I feel solo.

  December 21, 2010

  blame, dance, dr. Berman, dysfunction, empowerment, feelings, joy, losing, lost, love, peace, power, relationships, shame, spirit, struggle, therapist, triangle

  ---

• Hand and Hand.

  All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France

  Somehow I missed the melancholy of change, the loss, the death of one life, in order to be in a new life.

  And felt that I was doing change wrong, for I was sad as I changed.

  Leaving behind myself I had known for 46 years, I grieved losing that part of me, as I embraced a change that would become the new me.

  In the case of divorcing my parents, I had to the let the daughter in me die. There now stands a hole where daughter use to be.

  My daughter role is no more.

  You forget to remember the old you is gone, like a phantom limb it takes awhile to feel the new normal, and there is a grieving period, where sorrow can arise in odd places, unannounced sadness pours out.

  That view of self is unrecognizable for a while, you feel strange to yourself inside, and your movements are awkward for you don’t really know what it is the new you will do.

  Even when change is for the better, for a healthier you, you still have to let go and let die the old you.
  For some reason I kept forcing my thoughts to look towards the good things, and felt like I was a failure when I looked back and grieved.

  Now I know that grieving is a natural part of change.

  And with the overwhelming amount of change I have experienced in the last 5, well almost 6 years, it is no wonder that there has been lots to grieve.

  Who knew change and grieving go hand and hand…

  December 1, 2010

  changes, death, dying, grief, growth, life, melancholy, natural, New, old, roles, self, shame, sorrow

  ---

• Hand and Hand…

  There seems to be two energies of silence, awareness and unawareness, peace and hostility, love and fear, solitude and loneliness…

  There is silence to shun and hurt to push out and away that isn’t inclusive but divided.

  Silence that is cold and uncaring, thoughtless and too busy, unaware and out of touch, forgotten…and good intentions piled high, never spoken.

  Silence of lazy relationships or untried or pushed, where silence is required, no speaking of the ills, just silence.

  The silence I was raised upon.

  Seeing, feeling, and knowing my mother’s silence in anger, dark still, raging, quiet, strong silence.

  Her silence against what was wrong.

  Silently staying.

  Silently waiting for change.

  Silently looking away. Silently.

  Silently hoping, wishing, praying.

  Silently walking hand in hand with pain, shame, guilt, abuse, neglect, betrayal, faithless, unworthiness, looking away from innocence and vulnerable child and self.

  The dark side of silence…where nothing changes, pain continues, victims born, old victims live, abuse blossoms.

  Silence isn’t peaceful in an abusive home.
  Silently we suffer.

  Breaking the silence I have found myself in a new kind of silence, the knowing silence.

  Knowing silence is peaceful, strong, empowering.

  I speak out about the abuse, but am silent with the abusers.

  Living the opposite.

  Where before my ‘peace’ was gotten from being silent, I needed to be silent in order to survive, to be in my home, my family.

  A false sense of peace and security living silently in abuse, blind and unknowing.
  Now my peace is to speak of my abuse, telling is my peace. Telling brings me power.

  Silence and abuse go hand and hand…

  November 16, 2010

  abuse, adult, child, guilt, not, shame, silence, telling, unchanging

  ---

• Gateway Into Self

  A blog called, Brave Girls Club, has a wonderful story about wearing signs, or the lack there of at;

  http://www.bravegirlsclub.com

  As I pondered which signs I am hiding or what I am not revealing it occurred to me that a sign was hung upon my neck, when my father’s truth hit the daily news.

  His past hung heavy around my neck.

  A sign I did not want to wear.

  His sign and my sign were puzzle pieces, they went together, he was a pedophile and I was his victim.

  Yet the sign wasn’t hung upon me until a niece spoke up and her words matched my feelings, and now I had a sign as proof.

  What an awkward, clumsy, shameful, disgusting sign, I had to wear.

  It was this sign that all turned away from, old friends became strangers, acquaintances dodged me, my sign didn’t fit into many relationships.

  The sign entered into the room before me, it over shadowed any cute outfit I wore, there was no way to hide or dress it up, It was exposed.

  Sadly some signs are not given the same considerations as most.

  In the first blushes of wearing this sign, I stood alone.

  Me and my new sign not knowing how to stand, to walk and carry myself with this new found history, I soon seen how I was someone to steer clear of.

  It is so interesting that some signs gain many friends and tons of support, while other signs are shunned and feared, their darkness too dark to approach.

  Standing up in those early days, with the weight of the devastation upon me, the sign nearly collapsed my spirit.

  Surprisingly that by having had to walk alone, I have more strength, not less.

  I still wear my sign, it will not go away, it and I are one, my past is me, and I am it.

  Some signs are the gateway into self.

  November 13, 2010

  Beyond, blame, Brave, child abuse, Club, fear, Girls, is, life, pedophiles, see, shame, signs, standing, up, what

  ---